Monday, 2 March 2015

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A poem about BPD

This is a poem that I wrote last October, based on how I was feeling and that yesterday I decided to share on tumblr. I hope that it isn't triggering even though it has references to self-harm and suicidal thoughts. If you are feeling suicidal please check the section 'Need urgent help?' and make sure you get the appropriate help.
I must say things have got better since.

She had her monsters, she knew them well
They were called anger, pain and despair
Most people knew them but in her case
She couldn't tell them to go away

So she buried them deep
Where no one would find them
And she laughed for a year
Thinking she'd left them behind her

So when she opened a door and they all just snook through
She just didn't know what she was going to do

They said she felt too deeply
She said she felt nothing at all
They said she had to be in control
She said she was just empty

It was either everything or nothing at all
Nothing in between, no halfway to go
She cut her skin, they fed her pills
Trying to get the monsters to let go

She thought there was no way out
The emptiness inside made it easy for the monsters to control her
And there she was after a blackout
The white walls of the hospital all way too bright around her

They called it BPD
You just feel way too deeply
You can't control your feelings
Depression, anxiety
How long will it be?”
I don't want them here
I want them to go
I don't want this emptiness
being in control”

There are monsters in my head that want me dead
And I'm afraid they will succeed, you see
And I'm scared people will realize
That I don't know what's in my mind half of the time

I guess there's something beautiful out there
So I am glad that I'm still here
But just don't let go of my hand
I'm scared I'll drown with so much air

How can they breathe so easily?
How can they smile so brightly?
How are their eyes so troubleless?
What, are their minds not behind them?

So why me? Here, have another pill, maybe it'll calm you down
Against your sadness, against your impulsivity
It'll make you happier
It'll make you calmer
It'll make you sleepy
It'll make you easier to handle
Don't read the secondary effects, you'll get scared
No one wants that, you're already scared enough
Why do they care so much?
Why do they care at all?
When will it be time to be a beautiful beloved corpse?

She cuts her skin, they feed her pills
When she cuts deeper increase the dose
And if suicide ever invades your thoughts
You didn't get a damn thing, kid

Things will get better, it will improve
They say “you see? There's a bright future ahead of you”
But she's screaming silently, emptiness fills her eyes
It's too late for me, I am dead inside

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