Does narcissistic equal evil?

The first time that a therapist told me that I had narcissistic traits I was shocked. Yeah, my friends had told me sometimes that I loved myself a bit too much... But I believed narcissism was having a grandiose image of yourself, and I was pretty insecure and even hated myself sometimes. So I simply forgot about it. Until it was brought up again later on by another therapist. I then did some research and read what the narcissistic traits are according to the DSM IV. I was told I only had some traits, but this is the list of traits of the narcissistic personality disorder:

• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
• Requires excessive admiration
• Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
• Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
• Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
• Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
• Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

The truth is that the way that it is worded, a lot of the traits sound like negative ones. When I read that, and bearing in mind that my grandmother probably had a narcissistic personality disorder, I thought that being narcissistic meant that I was evil. So I brought this up in therapy and my therapist explained to me how most of the traits are not necessarily "negative" in the sense that they don't make you a bad person. And there seem to be a lot of people who think that way, with images like this one around the internet:

So obviously I was very concerned about being told that I had narcissistic traits. Did that mean I was a bad person? Did that mean I was a manipulative person?

Let's have a closer look at some of these traits and analyze them:

· Has a grandiose sense of self-importance

This can also be understood as thinking that your life is a mission to do something, that there is a meaning to you being here. You may think that what you think is the truth whereas other people simply have beliefs.

It doesn't necessarily believe that you think of yourself above others or that you think you deserve more than anyone else.

· Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people

This is not necessarily as classist or elitist as it sounds. You may be able to associate with everyone but maybe you don't want to get close ties with people who you feel bring nothing to your life.

 · Requires excessive admiration

You may simply seek recognition, not necessarily admiration. 

· Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

This one particularly scared me quite a lot. I don't feel like I exploit people, I am respectful of others and try to never harm them purposefully. However, if you prefer associating with people who bring something to your life, that could be understood as socially exploitative, especially if once you get bored or get from them what you wanted, you leave them (even if it is done in an unconscious way).

So this doesn't necessarily mean that you seek to exploit others. You are not necessarily a bad person even if you do have this trait.

So, as I've tried to highlight, these supposedly negative traits are not really so negative. As it is also the case with many other issues in mental health, there is a lack of knowledge and a lot of misconceptions about narcissism and it is many times seen as something negative, that makes you 'a bad person' when that's not always the case. You obviously need to work on those traits with your therapist, especially if they're interfering in your life and/or interpersonal relationships. But if you have NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) or you have some narcissistic traits, it doesn't mean that you are a bad person. Our actions define us, not labels. Don't let the label define who you are. However, I am pro-labels in the sense that it does help people understand what they're going through and why and that they're not alone. However, don't let labels define you.

Why I'm thankful I lived 2014 and my suicide attempt a year ago failed

This post could be triggering (I have tried my best for it not to be), but still.

If you have suicidal thoughts or ideation, please seek urgent help.

Most of you who use Facebook have probably been given the offer to 'see this year' according to Facebook. Well, so have I. And guess what? There were very few pictures, I think it's the year there have been the fewest pictures since I opened my account. Why was that? One could think this was a year not worth remembering, maybe I think that as well some times. But that is very far from the truth. This year was not the best year of my life. The worst moments and days of my life have taken place in 2014. And still, I am thankful that I got the chance to live this 2014. That may sound extremely dramatic, but you may not find it so much so when I tell you that exactly a year ago, on the early hours of the 1^st of January 2014, I attempted suicide.

Things had been getting ugly for a long time for me. My depression had come back and it seemed to be here to stay. I was experiencing panic attacks, dissociative episodes, extreme mood swings, I was in the midst of a dependance relationship with my boyfriend back then and I had had suicidal thoughts and ideation for months. I thought that I was losing my mind. I found it impossible to concentrate and had required extensions for my work at university for the first time in my life. I had resorted to parties, sex, food restriction, alcohol and drugs and mild self-harm to keep my feelings at bay, to 'control' my feelings and keep them from spinning out of control. But the truth is that by the end of 2013 not only was I on antidepressants, I was unable to sleep on a room by myself with the lights off unless I had taken a sleeping pill, and I found the idea of fun without alcohol absolutely absurd.

I saw myself as being on the 'peak' of my life and I thought I was going crazy and knew that everything was going to go downhill because I couldn't keep the pace I was on. I thought I was going to break down and that everyone I loved would leave me.

Well, guess what? No one left me when things got as ugly as they did. And I am glad that I was here to see that.

Yes, I lost a couple of friends who didn't understand the extent of my mental health issues and claimed that I was just being lazy and an attention whore. But those people were never worth it in the first place.

But all the others, all the ones who mattered, stayed by me. Even people I did not consider so close, people I never thought would be there in ugly times, showed up to show their support.

This past year has not been the best year of my life. It started with me attempting suicide. As a consequence, I was requested by my therapist and my parents to leave university, my house, my job, my friends and boyfriend, the country where I was studying, to go back home to live with my parents. The first months of 2014 are but a blur in my mind.

But this 2014 I finally got diagnosed with BPD (after having recurring episodes of depression since I was 11 and needing a therapist a few times for an eating disorder, depressive episodes and self-harm since I was 16). I was sent to a day centre to which I attended every day and learnt DBT and other skills to deal with my illness and my life.

I ended up 2013 wishing to end my life, and as 2014 ends, I have hope again, and I want to live my life and find out where all of this is going.

In January I will be moving back to university to finish my degree.

This year has been very hard, but it has been filled with great surprises, great people, great lessons.

I am thankful that I got to live this 2014 and I am looking forward to 2015.

I remember at the beginning of last year I thought I was never going to feel better, but now I do. Things have improved so much and they will keep improving.

Recovery is not an easy process. I am on medication, I am still in therapy. But I'm getting better and I certainly am much better than I used to be.

So if you are struggling, remember that things do get better (and I am the living example of it - and I'm glad to be!). Please hold on. You are important.

Alternatives to self-harm

Those who self-harm use it as a coping mechanism, but it does not only reinforce the previous problems you had and tried to escape by self-harming, it also creates a problem of its own. And it is very hard to stop. Self-harm is a very serious problem so if you do, I very strongly recommend that you see a therapist. 

So here are some things on what you can do when you get the urge of self-harming, instead of actually doing it. These are some healthy alternatives that have worked for me.

· Call a friend and talk about something else

· If you're somewhere where there's someone else, go talk to that person about whatever

· Talk to someone about how you feel

· Write down how you feel

· Paint

· Watch a TV series or movie that will keep you distracted

· Go do sports if you have the energy (the endorphins will help you feel better)

· Have a bubble bath

· If something specific is triggering you - distract yourself from it (Like for example if a certain conversation is making you feel very triggered, then ask the people to talk about something else, or distract yourself by doing something else. This is not 'escaping' the situation, it is distancing yourself from a situation that is making you feel bad enough to make you feel like self-harming. Distancing yourself or distracting yourself from a situation that makes you feel bad is a healthy coping mechanism.)

· Go see a family member or friend that you like spending time with

Make sure you also visit the link: Distractions from depression to find other ways to distract yourself, such as the post on Reading as a distraction from depression.

Obviously feel free to add your own in the comments, there will be different useful alternatives for each person depending on what you like to do and what distracts you.

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How to reject alcohol in social situations

Alcohol is a drug, but it is a very socially accepted one. So much so, that it is even considered strange not to drink in some social contexts. However, you may not want to drink. If you are struggling with depression or other mental health issues and know that alcohol can lead you to dysfunctional behavior, you want to stay as far away from it as possible. And if you are on antidepressants, you shouldn't be drinking alcohol either, as I explained on my previous post.
However, this doesn't mean that you can't go out, or that you have to avoid any social situation that includes alcohol. Especially if you have isolated yourself in the past, you want to start to attend social events again.
But people can be pushy with the subject of alcohol, and they may not just ask if you want to drink, but try to encourage you to drink. This sucks, I know, especially when you actually kind of want to accept and are only rejecting it because you know that it's bad for you but there is a part of you that wants to say yes.

Here are some tips and tricks not to succumb to peer pressure. It will also be helpful to keep some of this info in mind in order to not get upset.

When people offer you a drink and you refuse, they are likely to keep offering. Don't get annoyed, they are probably not doing it with bad intention even if their insistence makes you feel bad. They may have good intentions and simply be trying to get you to 'have a good time'. It is commonly assumed that that's alcohol's purpose. And most people don't see that for some people alcohol can just be either plain uninteresting or actually pretty damaging.
What you probably want to do when someone insists over and over again is something along these lines:

But that's why I'm writing this post, to offer you other solutions.

Bringing someone along who knows you're not drinking. If you have a mental health issue, having someone at the party/social event who knows about your issues and who knows that you can't drink is a really good idea. That way, if people keep offering you drinks, you will not be on your own rejecting them, you will have someone by your side offering you their strength and maybe even pushing those people away (even if that friend is drinking too).

If you bring a friend who doesn't drink either, then even better, since it will be 2 of you not drinking and things will become much easier because your friend's behavior will encourage yours and the same the other way around!

You can say that you have a New Year's resolution not to drink. People are more likely to stop offering you drinks if that's the case. 

If they have seen you drinking earlier the same year, you can do a version of the previous one which is to say that you have stopped drinking for a while to be healthy. And it is the truth!

I'm not a fan of lies. I actually hate them. But if you're getting stressed out from being pressured to drink, I think that's a fair enough reason to blurt out an innocent lie such as claiming to be on antibiotics. It will not work on a long term basis, but if it is for a one-off that you're going out or once that people are especially annoying, you may just choose to use it.

If your problem is that you actually want to drink but you know that you shouldn't and you don't know whether or not you'll be able to control yourself, you can just take the necessary amount of money for the transport back (or in case you'll need a taxi back or whatever), and leave the rest home. Or give your money to a friend that you trust. I know that when I take more money than I need out, sometimes I think "I may just as well buy alcohol" when I'm caught in the moment. So, lately I tend to take a lot less. Only the amount for a few soft drinks and what a taxi would cost in case I'll be too stressed to drive back or whatever.

If there are some people that when you meet up with them they always get drunk, and they keep insisting on you drinking despite you repeatedly saying no... You might want to reconsider whether it is good to keep hanging out with those people, at least for the moment. I'm not saying, go on and break a friendship just because your friends like to drink. I'm only saying that if your relationship consists solely on meeting up to drink and you can't drink (or shouldn't or don't want to) then maybe they are not the right people for you to hang out with at the moment.

Also, I want to emphasize that I wrote this post because I don't want you to have to stop going out just because you can't drink. You should do the things that you like, because in order to get better from depression, you should do the things that you like to do and do as much of them as you can. But I am not saying either that going out is necessary if that is not your thing. 

I hope this was helpful!

I'll confess: I tried doing a vlog about this but I'm so bad at it... and I was gonna post it anyway but then I found out the sound and the video weren't on sinc... -.- so yes, I'll try next time.

Alcohol and antidepressants

Let's be completely honest, we know this is not a good combination. However, it is normal for us at some point in the recovery process to want to go out. And drinking alcohol is not only socially acceptable but also widely considered as socially normal. So it is not that strange for us to want to try a bit of alcohol at some point, even if we know that it is probably a bad idea.

You may think alcohol can help you let go for one night of your bad thoughts and have a good time with your friends. But alcohol does not only magnify your bad thoughts if you drink too much accidentally - the main problem of drinking while on antidepressants is that the effects of alcohol increase considerably in your system (and not in a good way!!!) so it is very hard to measure how much you are drinking. So even if you think that you are in control, you probably aren't. Drinking while on antidepressants is not a good idea because the amount that before would have barely even made you feel drunk this time may make you feel extremely drunk and dizzy.

This is what happened to me this Saturday, after 10 months of avoiding alcohol almost completely after my bad experience in New Year's Eve.

Another problem of alcohol while on antidepressants is that if you are depressed and you drink, drinking can sometimes lead to other dysfunctional behavior such as other substance abuse or self-harm if bad thoughts begin to appear.

Other bad consequences may follow alcohol consumption such as paranoia (this happened to me) or some other weird effect due to the mix of alcohol and antidepressants.

And let's be fair, no one wants to be suffering from a hangover on top of depression because depression's symptoms can be worsened.

For all these reasons I strongly encourage all of you who are on antidepressants to try to resist any urge of drinking alcohol that you may have. From personal experience and people I know who have been on antidepressants and drunk, I know you generally don't obtain the desired results.

A good way of knowing what is best is to ask your therapist. If you want to drink one beer while socializing and because you like it, that should be fine, but you probably should not be drinking much more than that if you are on antidepressants.

The next post will be about ways to avoid alcohol and how to say no when you are offered.

What to say if you're not ready to tell people

As I have said many times, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. However, it is understandable that you may not feel ready to tell people just yet. 

You might want to tell some people but you might not want to tell others. It has to be your choice. You are the one who has to decide who you want to tell. At the beginning, when you have only just been diagnosed and you are still a bit overwhelmed by everything that’s going on and trying to face it yourself, it’s easy to get convinced by your parents, for example, to not tell the family, especially if you’re still living with your parents. As you can read in my first post, that was my case. This is probably not done out of bad intent, but just as a way to try and protect you. However, once you grow stronger in yourself and start to accept what’s going on, you have to realise that it is no one else’s choice to make. As I started to think, and my therapist then told me, it is each person’s own personal choice to decide what they are going to tell the people who surround them. Your parents may advise you, but in the end it is your choice, and if they are not happy about it, you can always ask your therapist to talk to them to make them understand that this is about you.

Try not to lie. This has come up in group therapy and although I hadn’t thought about it before, when the therapist explained it, I realised how important it actually was. I didn’t really lie because I don’t like lying.

1. You can tell a half-truth: for example. I was studying in another country and when my family asked me what I was doing back home I told them there were no more classes at university since people were doing their dissertations. This was actually true. What I was not telling them was that I was on a leave of absence from university anyway. (I guess this is best for people you don’t really care about or for family members who are too old to understand or ill etc…)
2. You can tell them that you’re not ready to talk about it if they ask you something. The therapist put a lot of emphasis in this option. You might think, like I did, that it is not a very social acceptable thing to say ‘I’d rather not talk about it right now’. However, if those people care about you and are discrete, they might not push further. If they do and you’re still not ready to talk, you can always go to option 1.