Gaining weight after an eating disorder

I'm not referring to the period when you're being re-nourished because you are underweight because of an eating disorder (there will be a post about it at some point). This post is about gaining weight once you're technically recovered from an eating disorder.

I tend to think that it is nearly impossible to ever get rid of an eating disorder. You may have healthy eating habits and at some points maybe not even worrying about your weight. 

I tend to see it this way: the eating disorder is a little voice in your head that tells you mean things and how to eat and to adopt unhealthy lifestyles. When you recover you don't eliminate this voice, you simply learn to ignore it until you even forget it's there. However, on your bad days that voice may sound louder than other times and you may find yourself worrying about your body image and not knowing why.

One of the most basic things that they tell you when recovering from an eating disorder is: stop worrying about your weight and in order to do that stop weighting yourself. This obviously depends on the individual and once recovered some are able to see their weight and not be affected by it. I, for example, am not one of those people. I know whenever I know how much weight I'll be affected by it. If I'm told by the doctor that I have lost weight I'll be extremely happy. I pretend that I don't feel anything about it because I'm technically 'underweight' even though this has been my healthy BMI all my life.

When my psychiatrist told me last week that I had gained 2kg I got very upset. Yesterday I had a bad day and I was obsessed with it for the whole day. I was having a bad day and the thought that I had gained weight took control of my mind.

My therapist once told me that when I focus too much on my body image it's because I'm trying to look away from what the real problem is. Focusing on food or body image can be a way to escape another problem. And as long as we don't fight that we can't focus on what the real issues behind it are.

Seeing this with a perspective it is a lot easier to get to these conclusions. However I am well aware that on bad days it is extremely hard to take a step back and realize that we might be giving too much importance to something that doesn't really have it. We need to try and remember that our weight is not as important as we think it is, and try to take away the power that our eating disorder has over us. As long as we have a healthy lifestyle there's no reason to worry about our weight (you can check this with your therapy to see if you're doing it right).

If you start having negative thoughts about your body image or weight definitely let your therapist know.

My first VLOG! (mental health at school or uni)

Here is my first VLOG ever. In it, I give advice on having mental health issues at school or university from my own experience. It complements the post on Being at school or university with depression and anxiety, giving some new tips. Make sure to check out the blog post for other information as well.

So.... here it goes!

Why I'm thankful I lived 2014 and my suicide attempt a year ago failed

This post could be triggering (I have tried my best for it not to be), but still.

If you have suicidal thoughts or ideation, please seek urgent help.

Most of you who use Facebook have probably been given the offer to 'see this year' according to Facebook. Well, so have I. And guess what? There were very few pictures, I think it's the year there have been the fewest pictures since I opened my account. Why was that? One could think this was a year not worth remembering, maybe I think that as well some times. But that is very far from the truth. This year was not the best year of my life. The worst moments and days of my life have taken place in 2014. And still, I am thankful that I got the chance to live this 2014. That may sound extremely dramatic, but you may not find it so much so when I tell you that exactly a year ago, on the early hours of the 1^st of January 2014, I attempted suicide.

Things had been getting ugly for a long time for me. My depression had come back and it seemed to be here to stay. I was experiencing panic attacks, dissociative episodes, extreme mood swings, I was in the midst of a dependance relationship with my boyfriend back then and I had had suicidal thoughts and ideation for months. I thought that I was losing my mind. I found it impossible to concentrate and had required extensions for my work at university for the first time in my life. I had resorted to parties, sex, food restriction, alcohol and drugs and mild self-harm to keep my feelings at bay, to 'control' my feelings and keep them from spinning out of control. But the truth is that by the end of 2013 not only was I on antidepressants, I was unable to sleep on a room by myself with the lights off unless I had taken a sleeping pill, and I found the idea of fun without alcohol absolutely absurd.

I saw myself as being on the 'peak' of my life and I thought I was going crazy and knew that everything was going to go downhill because I couldn't keep the pace I was on. I thought I was going to break down and that everyone I loved would leave me.

Well, guess what? No one left me when things got as ugly as they did. And I am glad that I was here to see that.

Yes, I lost a couple of friends who didn't understand the extent of my mental health issues and claimed that I was just being lazy and an attention whore. But those people were never worth it in the first place.

But all the others, all the ones who mattered, stayed by me. Even people I did not consider so close, people I never thought would be there in ugly times, showed up to show their support.

This past year has not been the best year of my life. It started with me attempting suicide. As a consequence, I was requested by my therapist and my parents to leave university, my house, my job, my friends and boyfriend, the country where I was studying, to go back home to live with my parents. The first months of 2014 are but a blur in my mind.

But this 2014 I finally got diagnosed with BPD (after having recurring episodes of depression since I was 11 and needing a therapist a few times for an eating disorder, depressive episodes and self-harm since I was 16). I was sent to a day centre to which I attended every day and learnt DBT and other skills to deal with my illness and my life.

I ended up 2013 wishing to end my life, and as 2014 ends, I have hope again, and I want to live my life and find out where all of this is going.

In January I will be moving back to university to finish my degree.

This year has been very hard, but it has been filled with great surprises, great people, great lessons.

I am thankful that I got to live this 2014 and I am looking forward to 2015.

I remember at the beginning of last year I thought I was never going to feel better, but now I do. Things have improved so much and they will keep improving.

Recovery is not an easy process. I am on medication, I am still in therapy. But I'm getting better and I certainly am much better than I used to be.

So if you are struggling, remember that things do get better (and I am the living example of it - and I'm glad to be!). Please hold on. You are important.

So much food! (Christmas dinner) Surviving the holidays

One of the most popular and common things during the holidays is to have a lot of food, especially sweets, but a bit of everything really. So a big issue for those of us who struggle with eating disorders is: how do you overcome the stress that comes with a situation when there is a lot of food?

I'm not sure of how it works in every country, but in Spain generally in the Christmas dinner there are a lot of central plates with food and people just take what they want. Whether it works this way (or doesn't) where you are from: make sure you are the one putting food on your own plate.

Don't start picking food from one plate and another because then you'll have no control over how much you eat and there are bigger chances that you either stress out and don't eat enough, or that you later feel like you have eaten too much and that makes you feel guilty. Even if you haven't actually eaten 'too much', it's easier to feel that way if you are picking food from other plates.

So make sure you serve your own plate and that you are okay with the amounts in it. This will help you keep track of how much you're eating and you'll be a lot less likely to feel like you have overeaten. 

Obviously, you can get a second plate if you are still hungry, or for desserts etc. But make sure you are also serving that plate.

The coincidence of Callie and Kayden (Mental health in books)

This is the first post in the series of mental health in books so I feel like I should clarify this: I'm going to mention if there are triggering factors in the book. I'll try to be as spoiler-free as possible, but I think it is necessary to mention these things to make sure that people are informed before they decide to read them. Some books containing mental health issues are VERY triggering, and in those cases I'll try to make it as clear as possible. (Obviously different factors can trigger different people so I will write at the ending the main possible triggers so that people are warned)

I know I said I'd update on Thursday but yesterday I couldn't even turn on my laptop! (Didn't even have time to have lunch, which my therapist was very upset about....) I'm very sorry for being late!

The coincidence of Callie and Kayden

Jessica Sorensen

For Kayden, suffering in silence was the only way to survive. If he was lucky, he could keep his head down, do as he was told, and make it through the day. But one night it seemed like his luck -- and his life -- might finally end... until an angel named Callie appeared just in time to rescue him. 

 Callie has never believed in luck. Not since her twelfth birthday when everything was taken from her. After the worst was over, she locked up her feelings and vowed never to tell anyone what happened. Now, six years later, she continues to struggle with the painful secret that threatens to consume her. 

 When fate lands Kayden and Callie at the same college, Kayden is determined to get to know the beautiful girl who changed his destiny. Quiet and reserved, Callie still fears letting anyone else into her world. But Kayden is certain that Callie has come back into his life for a reason. And the more he tries to be a part of her life, the more he realizes that, this time, it's Callie who needs to be saved...

Callie clearly suffers from PTSD and an eating disorder that serves the purpose of mood regulator. She suffers from panic attacks and flashbacks as a result of her PTSD. Kayden shares his fair dose of mental stress with an abusive father.

Callie has withdrawn herself from everyone, including her classmates, leading to bullying by people from school. She cut her hair and she is very skinny because of her eating disorder, those two being the main reasons why people make fun of her.

Even though the plot may sound very dramatic, the book actually gives off a hopeful vibe.

Except for the ending.

I really don't recommend reading this book unless you have immediate access to the second part. The first rating that I gave it in GoodReads was a lot lower than what I thought of the whole book because at first I did not know that there was a second part and I did not like the ending. When I found out about 'The redemption of Callie and Kayden' I was so happy... I actually improved the rating I had given it.

Therapy mentioned? Yes

Positive or negative image of sufferer of mental health illness? Positive

Mental health issues mentioned: PTSD, ED, self-harm

Triggering issues? Rape, abuse, self-harm

Do I recommend it? Yes BUT have access to the second one!

My Goodreads rating:

(4/5 stars)

Add me on Goodreads

I will post tomorrow explaining a bit more about the different categories that I add at the very end of the review (and that will be added in all the reviews).

It's either perfect or not worth it

So, here I am, I am back. I'm sorry for all the time that I have been away. I stopped because I was feeling down and then never saw the time to come back, or what with. I wanted to come back with something great making the wait worth it and because I never felt like a topic was perfect enough, so I stayed gone.

But then I've realized that this sort of thought is very common for perfectionist people and affects in a very harmful way people suffering mental health issues such as eating disorders, BPD or even depression to name a few. 

So I thought: why not talk about it?

I am and always have been a perfectionist. I want the things I do to be perfect. And even though some may say that it's a good trait, there is a very fine line and it can very easily become something harmful for you that takes control of your life.

"If it's not perfect, why would I even bother?" is a very common thought amongst perfectionists. If something is not going the way you want, or you don't feel like you might be able to do it well, you may simply just give up on it.

Let's see a few examples:

· I start painting and it's something I have invested a lot of time on but then the painting is not going as well as I expected. When I realize that it's not looking the way I want it to, I just stop painting that instead of trying to fix it and maybe even give up painting altogether even thought it was something that I enjoyed doing.

· In eating disorders there is a very common example:  I am restricting on eating biscuits. Then one day I can't help the urge and I open the biscuit bag and eat one. I may think "Since I have already broken my rule, I may just as well eat the whole pack". And many times that sort of thought is what drives people into binge eating.

We need to challenge that sort of thought. We need to realize that not everything has to always be perfect. First of all, wanting things to always be perfect will lead us to unhappiness since we will never consider something to be perfect enough. So we have to accept things as they are and see the beauty in them.

If you enjoy something but feel like you're not good enough: don't quit. Keep on trying, no one was an expert at the beginning. And even if you don't get to be great at it, if you enjoy doing it you should keep up with it.

This sort of thinking is what drives many people into quitting school, university, a job, a hobby, maybe even relationships.

I'm not saying you should settle down for less than what you want in life. But I am saying that maybe you should reconsider whether what you want is realistic. Also, you should enjoy the things that you have and that you achieve and not quit things that you like because you feel like you're not doing them well enough. Who judges whether we are good enough anyway? No one's opinion matters except ourselves when it comes to that. We shouldn't be so hyper critic of ourselves. 

Let yourself enjoy life and things even when they're not perfect!

Eating disorders misconceptions

To make up for my absence, here is another post!

This post intends to be informative, but it's also a bit of a rant about how mad ignorance about eating disorders make me. So forgive me when I start to rant, but do read it since you may find it interesting!

It is no secret that there are a lot of misconceptions about mental health in general.

Eating disorders are one of the most recognized mental health issues in today's society. And still there are so many misconceptions about it that it seems hard to believe.

Eating disorders can come in all shapes and sizes (and gender!).

Even though eating disorders are generally associated with girls, it is wrong to assume that it's only girls who suffer from EDs, since although. We can't ignore all the guys who are going through an eating disorder. There is more stigma for boys and it is less recognized, it may be harder for them to admit it and come forward about it.

It pisses me off a lot when people assume that in order to have an eating disorder (and for it to be serious) you have to be a certain size. It's like: Hello? Is someone even paying attention?

Yes, of course being VERY skinny is very dangerous. But someone can be any size, any weight and have an eating disorder that's threatening their life.

The center I am at is both for people with personality disorders and/or eating disorders. When I tell my dad that there is a new patient, he always asks me “Oh, is she very skinny? Or very fat?” And I just feel so frustrated that I feel the urge to start breaking things. Because no matter how many times I explain it to him, he keeps thinking like that.

I remember when a friend of mine finally decided to speak up about the eating disorder she'd been suffering for years. She went to counseling once and she never went again. The counsellor gave her few options and told her that “Anyway, you can tell that your ED is not too bad”. Where the hell did that counsellor get his license for counseling if that is even a thing? And if it's not, then it should be. Because you can't go around saying that sort of things to people.

That is what people with EDs think, sometimes when they start to realize that they have a problem, they think “I'm not skinny enough to have an ED”. I know that's what I thought.

But eating disorders is not just anorexia, there is bulimia, and there is EDNOS. And there are subcategories.

Also eating disorders aren't simply about food, which they obviously are. They are also about someone's self-esteem. Depression is inevitably linked to EDs. So it is frustrating (and a bit infuriating) when someone thinks that people who suffer from eating disorders are being vain. An eating disorder is mainly a mental health issue - which has an effect on a person's appearance. But it's definitely not simply about one's image.

I know there are many more misconceptions, but these are the main ones that I wanted to talk about today. So I will very probably be doing another post about this sometime in the future. 

Are there any other misconceptions about eating disorders that especially frustrate you?