My first VLOG! (mental health at school or uni)

Here is my first VLOG ever. In it, I give advice on having mental health issues at school or university from my own experience. It complements the post on Being at school or university with depression and anxiety, giving some new tips. Make sure to check out the blog post for other information as well.

So.... here it goes!

A poem about BPD

This is a poem that I wrote last October, based on how I was feeling and that yesterday I decided to share on tumblr. I hope that it isn't triggering even though it has references to self-harm and suicidal thoughts. If you are feeling suicidal please check the section 'Need urgent help?' and make sure you get the appropriate help.

I must say things have got better since.

She had her monsters, she knew them well

They were called anger, pain and despair

Most people knew them but in her case

She couldn't tell them to go away

So she buried them deep

Where no one would find them

And she laughed for a year

Thinking she'd left them behind her

So when she opened a door and they all just snook through

She just didn't know what she was going to do

They said she felt too deeply

She said she felt nothing at all

They said she had to be in control

She said she was just empty

It was either everything or nothing at all

Nothing in between, no halfway to go

She cut her skin, they fed her pills

Trying to get the monsters to let go

She thought there was no way out

The emptiness inside made it easy for the monsters to control her

And there she was after a blackout

The white walls of the hospital all way too bright around her

They called it BPD

You just feel way too deeply

You can't control your feelings

Depression, anxiety

“How long will it be?”

“I don't want them here

I want them to go

I don't want this emptiness

being in control”

There are monsters in my head that want me dead

And I'm afraid they will succeed, you see

And I'm scared people will realize

That I don't know what's in my mind half of the time

I guess there's something beautiful out there

So I am glad that I'm still here

But just don't let go of my hand

I'm scared I'll drown with so much air

How can they breathe so easily?

How can they smile so brightly?

How are their eyes so troubleless?

What, are their minds not behind them?

So why me? Here, have another pill, maybe it'll calm you down

Against your sadness, against your impulsivity

It'll make you happier

It'll make you calmer

It'll make you sleepy

It'll make you easier to handle

Don't read the secondary effects, you'll get scared

No one wants that, you're already scared enough

Why do they care so much?

Why do they care at all?

When will it be time to be a beautiful beloved corpse?

She cuts her skin, they feed her pills

When she cuts deeper increase the dose

And if suicide ever invades your thoughts

You didn't get a damn thing, kid

Things will get better, it will improve

They say “you see? There's a bright future ahead of you”

But she's screaming silently, emptiness fills her eyes

It's too late for me, I am dead inside

Misconceptions about self harm

As with many other issues related to mental health, there are a lot of misconceptions about self harm. There is a lot of stigma around self harm and unfortunately this means that people are unlikely to talk about it and therefore misconceptions are perpetuated. This post aims to shed some light on self harm and to bring down some common myths around it.

I am NOT trying to promote self-harm and I strongly encourage anyone who has considered it to not do it, and anyone who self harms to seek help. 

If you know someone who self harms, I hope this post helps you understand it better and not judge them. Offer them your help, not your judgment. Self harm is a very serious issue.

·"People who self-harm are trying to kill themselves" 

Self harm doesn't equal attempted suicide. Most people who self harm are not trying to kill themselved but instead use self harm as a coping mechanism

·"People who self harm are suicidal" 

This is not always true. It may be in some cases but a lot of those who self harm don't have any sort of suicidal ideation in mind. They could be self harming for a lot of different reasons and you should be concerned. If they are self harming they're probably having mental health problems and could be dealing with depression, anxiety or some other issues. Even if they are not currently suicidal, if they don't get help, the problem leading to self harm could get worse and the shame and guilt that usually accompany self harm could make the situation worse, potentially making them have suicidal thoughts in the future

·"People who self harm are trying to get attention" 

Most people who self harm actually hide their wounds and don't show them to anyone. If a person recurs to self harm for whatever reason, they should get help and you shouldn't try to judge or analyse their motives.

·"You don't have to worry about someone's self harm unless it's serious injuries" 

You have to worry about someone's self harm no matter how serious, deep or shallow their injuries are. If they are self harming they need help. Of course, if the injuries are more serious there is a risk of parasuicide, the person could accidentally die even if it's not their intention from the seriousness of the wounds. However, someone whose injuries seem less serious could potentially have more suicidal thoughts than people whose self harm is deeper. There are many different reasons why someone would choose to inflict less serious wounds but that doesn't mean that the problem is less serious.

·"Self harm = cutting" 

There are many more ways in which someone can harm themselves and they are all equally serious. I'm not going to name any so that I don't give any ideas to people who self harm but anything that someone does to their body with the intention of harming themselves can be considered self harm.

·"Scratching doesn't count as self harm" 

Look at my previous point. Scratching can be self harm and does not have to be overlooked.

·"Showing your scars means that you're seeking attention" 

I'm sorry but no. I'll post something about this in the future but showing your scars doesn't mean that you want attention. Not even showing your wounds has to mean this. But with scars there's not even controversy around it. You should feel comfortable in your own body and if you do have scars and you show them, that means courage, that means that you're getting comfortable with your body as it is. Do not be ashamed of your scars. And do not shame people about their scars. Scars, even if they're not self-inflicted can be a tough thing to get used to showing. Feel comfortable in your own skin.

·"You can stop self harming any time you want" 

Unfortunately this is completely false. Yes, you can take steps towards stopping your self harm and I'm not saying that you'll never be able to stop: you will. But it's not an easy thing to do. There is a physical and a psychological explanation for this. The physical one is that pain and pleasure are separated by a very thin line. By self harming you release endorphins and your brain actually becomes addicted to this. The psychological reason is that if you're feeling bad for some reason and you recur to self  harm and it makes you feel better (for whatever reason) and you have trouble dealing with those problematic feelings, then when you feel them again you know that self harm once made you feel better and you'll recur to it more easily. What starts being whenever something huge happens ends up becoming your go-to mechanism any time you're not feeling particularly well. That's why quitting self harm is so difficult.Relapses are normal in the process to recovery and you mustn't let them bring your hopes down. It is possible to stop self harming.

·"People who self harm are just emo/flaunting their cuts"

Let's stop right there. Flaunting their cuts? I have indeed met some people who were proud of their wounds and would show them around as if it were something to be proud of, and I've always felt a certain disgust towards this behavior. I personally was extremely ashamed of my self harm that I was always particularly careful to hide it. Like me, so many people hide their wounds. There are so many people ashamed, embarrassed who won't show their wounds. A lot more than of those who show them.

·"People self harm because they want to" 

Riiiiiight. Not really. I mean, you're sort of right but not really. Because of what I have explained earlier about it becoming sort of addictive, a lot of the times people don't really want to stop self harming because it actually makes them feel better so they think: why stop? I keep seeing it as a drug. A drug user might want to stop doing drugs but then again a part of themselves might not really want to. I don't know anyone who likes to self harm. Most people experience feelings of shame, self-hatred, embarrassment or guilt after self harming. However a part of them doesn't want to stop doing the only thing they have found so far that helps them feel better. That's why it is so important to get professional help. Don't try to deal with someone's self harm all by yourself. They need help and they need treatment.

Update on my life (and its morals)

Well this is sort of embarrassing... I've spent too long without posting here. A month? Oh dear. I must apologize by saying that this last month has been extremely busy and full of great (and not so great) stuff. I have also been absent from all social networks and I am extremely sorry for that, I won't let it happen again.

I've finally decided that I'm going to start vlogging. Some great vloggers have encouraged me to do it and I've been wanting to for a long time.

I was meant to go back to university this January but things turned out a bit differently. Going back to university was causing me a lot of stress. Every time I had visited my uni town last semester (from September 2014) I had had suicidal thoughts and a lot of impulsivity partly brought in by the anxiety that being there caused me (and I was only visiting!).

The week before I left to theoretically move back to my uni town, my anxiety was so extreme that I had physical pains in my chest, and especially my stomach. I wasn't hungry, I could barely eat, I was even sick repeatedly during a whole afternoon when I simply thought about going back.

So I didn't move back. I'm still living home. I only visited to sort out everything that had to do with university and to make possible for me to finish my degree from home. I felt like a failure because I was not going to be able to move back there, but at the same time thinking about it now... Maybe I wasn't ready. I didn't have classes so I would have had a very unstructured day. And this way I can still go to therapy and start to leave the day centre little by little.

I am finishing my degree this year, I'll simply be doing it from home.

What can be concluded from this?

· Things don't always turn out the way you want them to. But it's okay, you need to adapt and maybe even look at things in a different way.

· Maybe you are setting your expectations too high. And if you fail to accomplish something you had set your mind into, it doesn't mean that you're a failure. Maybe you've just set your bar too high. Reconsider this.

· Progress happens slowly. Don't get frustrated if you feel like you feel like you're not getting better fast enough. You're not going to get better in one day, progress happens at its own pace and it's different for everyone. Things will get better.

· Let your university know about your mental health situation. I can't say this enough. I was scared since my first year to tell my university about my mental health, but I am so glad that I finally did last year. Not only did they help me giving me a leave of absence, but going back now has been made really easy for me too. The teachers have agreed to have skype sessions with me instead of face-to-face ones, and they have all made it very comfortable and easy for me. You may be going through unnecessary difficulties added to your already difficult situation, and just telling your university might help you in ways that you never thought of!

I'll start posting weekly (hopefully more than once a week) from this week again. I hope you found this post useful and helpful!

Why I'm thankful I lived 2014 and my suicide attempt a year ago failed

This post could be triggering (I have tried my best for it not to be), but still.

If you have suicidal thoughts or ideation, please seek urgent help.

Most of you who use Facebook have probably been given the offer to 'see this year' according to Facebook. Well, so have I. And guess what? There were very few pictures, I think it's the year there have been the fewest pictures since I opened my account. Why was that? One could think this was a year not worth remembering, maybe I think that as well some times. But that is very far from the truth. This year was not the best year of my life. The worst moments and days of my life have taken place in 2014. And still, I am thankful that I got the chance to live this 2014. That may sound extremely dramatic, but you may not find it so much so when I tell you that exactly a year ago, on the early hours of the 1^st of January 2014, I attempted suicide.

Things had been getting ugly for a long time for me. My depression had come back and it seemed to be here to stay. I was experiencing panic attacks, dissociative episodes, extreme mood swings, I was in the midst of a dependance relationship with my boyfriend back then and I had had suicidal thoughts and ideation for months. I thought that I was losing my mind. I found it impossible to concentrate and had required extensions for my work at university for the first time in my life. I had resorted to parties, sex, food restriction, alcohol and drugs and mild self-harm to keep my feelings at bay, to 'control' my feelings and keep them from spinning out of control. But the truth is that by the end of 2013 not only was I on antidepressants, I was unable to sleep on a room by myself with the lights off unless I had taken a sleeping pill, and I found the idea of fun without alcohol absolutely absurd.

I saw myself as being on the 'peak' of my life and I thought I was going crazy and knew that everything was going to go downhill because I couldn't keep the pace I was on. I thought I was going to break down and that everyone I loved would leave me.

Well, guess what? No one left me when things got as ugly as they did. And I am glad that I was here to see that.

Yes, I lost a couple of friends who didn't understand the extent of my mental health issues and claimed that I was just being lazy and an attention whore. But those people were never worth it in the first place.

But all the others, all the ones who mattered, stayed by me. Even people I did not consider so close, people I never thought would be there in ugly times, showed up to show their support.

This past year has not been the best year of my life. It started with me attempting suicide. As a consequence, I was requested by my therapist and my parents to leave university, my house, my job, my friends and boyfriend, the country where I was studying, to go back home to live with my parents. The first months of 2014 are but a blur in my mind.

But this 2014 I finally got diagnosed with BPD (after having recurring episodes of depression since I was 11 and needing a therapist a few times for an eating disorder, depressive episodes and self-harm since I was 16). I was sent to a day centre to which I attended every day and learnt DBT and other skills to deal with my illness and my life.

I ended up 2013 wishing to end my life, and as 2014 ends, I have hope again, and I want to live my life and find out where all of this is going.

In January I will be moving back to university to finish my degree.

This year has been very hard, but it has been filled with great surprises, great people, great lessons.

I am thankful that I got to live this 2014 and I am looking forward to 2015.

I remember at the beginning of last year I thought I was never going to feel better, but now I do. Things have improved so much and they will keep improving.

Recovery is not an easy process. I am on medication, I am still in therapy. But I'm getting better and I certainly am much better than I used to be.

So if you are struggling, remember that things do get better (and I am the living example of it - and I'm glad to be!). Please hold on. You are important.

Alcohol in the holidays - Surviving the holidays

The Christmas holidays are a time when it is even more socially acceptable and encouraged to drink alcohol. May it be wine, champagne or any other alcohol, it seems like it is not only acceptable but almost expected that we drink. At Christmas dinner, New Year's Eve... it's very usual to see people toasting with alcohol. So how can you avoid alcohol in the holidays?

For whatever reason, you may not want to drink or even not be able to. Maybe you're on medication, or drinking then encourages you to pursue other impulsive behaviour... (or you may just not want to). Whatever it is, this time of the year seems like the time when we need to reject alcohol the most.

Your family and friends may or may not know but other people may still offer you drinks. 

If you are concerned about people insisting during the Christmas dinner or another specific even, you may want to look for an ally. In my case it will be my mother. She knows I can't drink alcohol. So if my family keeps insisting on me drinking (which they usually do), she will help me. Some of you may not have an issue saying no as many times as you have to, but for others it may be stressful (or you may even actually want alcohol, but you just really shouldn't - I include myself in this category).

So if you can plan ahead for specific events and find someone who will help you, at least that would partly lower the stress. 

At the same time, you can ask a parent to tell to the rest of the family to not offer you alcohol at all beforehand, if you are very stressed about this it can be a good option!

Here you can find more ways to avoid alcohol in social situations.

The coincidence of Callie and Kayden (Mental health in books)

This is the first post in the series of mental health in books so I feel like I should clarify this: I'm going to mention if there are triggering factors in the book. I'll try to be as spoiler-free as possible, but I think it is necessary to mention these things to make sure that people are informed before they decide to read them. Some books containing mental health issues are VERY triggering, and in those cases I'll try to make it as clear as possible. (Obviously different factors can trigger different people so I will write at the ending the main possible triggers so that people are warned)

I know I said I'd update on Thursday but yesterday I couldn't even turn on my laptop! (Didn't even have time to have lunch, which my therapist was very upset about....) I'm very sorry for being late!

The coincidence of Callie and Kayden

Jessica Sorensen

For Kayden, suffering in silence was the only way to survive. If he was lucky, he could keep his head down, do as he was told, and make it through the day. But one night it seemed like his luck -- and his life -- might finally end... until an angel named Callie appeared just in time to rescue him. 

 Callie has never believed in luck. Not since her twelfth birthday when everything was taken from her. After the worst was over, she locked up her feelings and vowed never to tell anyone what happened. Now, six years later, she continues to struggle with the painful secret that threatens to consume her. 

 When fate lands Kayden and Callie at the same college, Kayden is determined to get to know the beautiful girl who changed his destiny. Quiet and reserved, Callie still fears letting anyone else into her world. But Kayden is certain that Callie has come back into his life for a reason. And the more he tries to be a part of her life, the more he realizes that, this time, it's Callie who needs to be saved...

Callie clearly suffers from PTSD and an eating disorder that serves the purpose of mood regulator. She suffers from panic attacks and flashbacks as a result of her PTSD. Kayden shares his fair dose of mental stress with an abusive father.

Callie has withdrawn herself from everyone, including her classmates, leading to bullying by people from school. She cut her hair and she is very skinny because of her eating disorder, those two being the main reasons why people make fun of her.

Even though the plot may sound very dramatic, the book actually gives off a hopeful vibe.

Except for the ending.

I really don't recommend reading this book unless you have immediate access to the second part. The first rating that I gave it in GoodReads was a lot lower than what I thought of the whole book because at first I did not know that there was a second part and I did not like the ending. When I found out about 'The redemption of Callie and Kayden' I was so happy... I actually improved the rating I had given it.

Therapy mentioned? Yes

Positive or negative image of sufferer of mental health illness? Positive

Mental health issues mentioned: PTSD, ED, self-harm

Triggering issues? Rape, abuse, self-harm

Do I recommend it? Yes BUT have access to the second one!

My Goodreads rating:

(4/5 stars)

Add me on Goodreads

I will post tomorrow explaining a bit more about the different categories that I add at the very end of the review (and that will be added in all the reviews).

Surviving the holidays - Spending the holiday with family

This is the first post in a series of posts about how to 'survive' these holidays.

Even though the holidays are meant to be a happy time to spend with our loved ones, many of us find them challenging as well. It can bring anxiety and other unwanted emotions, so these blogposts are to ensure that your holidays can pass as smoothly as possible!

This post will be about: 

Spending the holiday with family

Your family may or may not know about your mental health issues. A lot of us spend the holidays with our families, and there are some members of our family that we see less often than others. So questions regarding you, your current situation and possibly your mental health could be asked.

One of the main things that I recommend is to think about it before. If someone asks you what you're currently doing or if something is wrong, you could easily go blank from anxiety and not know what to reply. So something that I have found helpful is to prepare beforehand what you are going to say to people.

You may want to check out the post of 'What to say if you're not ready to tell people', since it contains advice on what to say if you're not ready to talk about your mental health.

Once you know more or less what you want to tell people, it will be a lot easier when they ask you since you will be prepared.

If your family tends to worry about you and you don't want all the attention focused on you (and think that this may be an issue), you can also think beforehand about some topics of conversation to try to change the subject and redirect the conversation towards something else.

The purpose of this series of post is to make them short and easy to read to be as helpful as possible. I will be posting them at least twice a week, so make sure to keep an eye out!

Mental health in books

As you may (or may not) know, I love reading and it is one of my distractions from depression.

I find the subject of how mental health is treated in books very interesting and lately I have felt drawn to books containing characters struggling with mental health issues. In those books, the mental health issue may not be the main subject, but it is present. I think that the way something is represented in books (and films, and the media) is very important as it is one of the first points of contact for some people with mental health issues.

I think that it is important that there is something more to the character other than their mental health since characters (just like real people) need to be complex and mental health is not everything that there is to a person! This last point is very important in order to fight the stigma around mental health illnesses.

I have decided to start a section of this blog in which I will talk about books containing characters who struggle with mental health issues and debate a little how it is addressed. (This will also satisfy the need I have always had to have a book blog).

For now in this post I will mention the latest books that I have read which have characters struggling with mental health issues. I will simply post the synopsis and then I'll write about them in more depth once a week (I'm feeling it for Thursdays).

Make sure to add me as a friend in Goodreads!
I'd love for you to recommend me more books!

Kacey Cleary’s whole life imploded four years ago in a drunk-driving accident. Now she’s working hard to bury the pieces left behind—all but one. Her little sister, Livie. Kacey can swallow the constant disapproval from her born-again aunt Darla over her self-destructive lifestyle; she can stop herself from going kick-boxer crazy on Uncle Raymond when he loses the girls’ college funds at a blackjack table. She just needs to keep it together until Livie is no longer a minor, and then they can get the hell out of Grand Rapids, Michigan.

 But when Uncle Raymond slides into bed next to Livie one night, Kacey decides it’s time to run. Armed with two bus tickets and dreams of living near the coast, Kacey and Livie start their new lives in a Miami apartment complex, complete with a grumpy landlord, a pervert upstairs, and a neighbor with a stage name perfectly matched to her chosen “profession.” But Kacey’s not worried. She can handle all of them. What she can’t handle is Trent Emerson in apartment 1D.

 Kacey doesn’t want to feel. She doesn’t. It’s safer that way. For everyone. But sexy Trent finds a way into her numb heart, reigniting her ability to love again. She starts to believe that maybe she can leave the past where it belongs and start over. Maybe she’s not beyond repair.

 But Kacey isn’t the only one who’s broken. Seemingly perfect Trent has an unforgiveable past of his own; one that, when discovered, will shatter Kacey’s newly constructed life and send her back into suffocating darkness.

Sometimes discovering the truth can leave you more hopeless than believing the lies…

That’s what seventeen-year-old Sky realizes after she meets Dean Holder. A guy with a reputation that rivals her own and an uncanny ability to invoke feelings in her she’s never had before. He terrifies her and captivates her all in the span of just one encounter, and something about the way he makes her feel sparks buried memories from a past that she wishes could just stay buried.

Sky struggles to keep him at a distance knowing he’s nothing but trouble, but Holder insists on learning everything about her. After finally caving to his unwavering pursuit, Sky soon finds that Holder isn’t at all who he’s been claiming to be. When the secrets he’s been keeping are finally revealed, every single facet of Sky’s life will change forever.

Penny has a secret.

Under the alias GirlOnline, she blogs about school dramas, boys, her mad, whirlwind family - and the panic attacks she's suffered from lately. When things go from bad to worse, her family whisks her away to New York, where she meets the gorgeous, guitar-strumming Noah. Suddenly Penny is falling in love - and capturing every moment of it on her blog.

But Noah has a secret too. One that threatens to ruin Penny's cover - and her closest friendship - forever.

There are so many more, I thought I'd only share a few for now in order to not overwhelm you but I will keep talking about them. And on Thursday I'll post about one of them!

Before Thursday there will be another (normal) blog post so make sure you keep an eye out!

You're not a bad person

Hi everyone! Right, so I'm going to try to post twice a week from now on. I've been having a bit of a hard time as some of you may know but things are slowly calming down. Please feel free to send me a message or contact me through any of the social media if you're also going through a tough time and want to talk (or if you just want to talk!).

I wanted to talk about this because I know a lot of people who struggle with many different mental illnesses, from depression to BPD and many others, have these sort of thoughts. I know I do. It is the idea that our thoughts and the content of them define whether we are a good person or not. So I wanted to raise this topic as food for thought (very appropriate phrase in this case).

We all have thoughts of every sort and feelings of every sort. And we need to stop categorising feelings and thoughts into either 'good' or 'bad'.

There are not good or bad feelings, they are just feelings – they may be more or less welcomed or more or less positive.

Thoughts may have a more or less positive nature but they should not be labeled as good or bad since they are simply thoughts.

In many mental illnesses  you can sometimes feel as if what you are thinking defines what you are. So if you have thoughts related to for example wishing something bad for a person you may feel as if that makes you a bad person for thinking that sort of stuff. Whereas the truth is everyone has those thoughts, but they just may not give them much importance.

I remember during my grandmother's last year of life, she was a very manipulative person (and had always been). We were all concerned about her and went visit her and just ignored it when she said mean things. But I remember at times thinking that she didn't deserve everyone visiting her because she had done horrible things (which she had). But then I felt as a bad person for thinking those things. I'm sure my mother and my uncles all thought the same thing at times. But the difference was that I gave power to this thought, I gave it power by thinking that it defined me, that it defined who I was. But it doesn't.

In BPD this sort of thinking might be exacerbated because of the white/black thinking and the tendency we have to categorize things as either good or bad.

I have heard people struggling with depression claiming that they are bad people because they have very 'bad thoughts'. But these thoughts don't make you the person that you are. It is your actions that define you, not your thoughts.

It's either perfect or not worth it

So, here I am, I am back. I'm sorry for all the time that I have been away. I stopped because I was feeling down and then never saw the time to come back, or what with. I wanted to come back with something great making the wait worth it and because I never felt like a topic was perfect enough, so I stayed gone.

But then I've realized that this sort of thought is very common for perfectionist people and affects in a very harmful way people suffering mental health issues such as eating disorders, BPD or even depression to name a few. 

So I thought: why not talk about it?

I am and always have been a perfectionist. I want the things I do to be perfect. And even though some may say that it's a good trait, there is a very fine line and it can very easily become something harmful for you that takes control of your life.

"If it's not perfect, why would I even bother?" is a very common thought amongst perfectionists. If something is not going the way you want, or you don't feel like you might be able to do it well, you may simply just give up on it.

Let's see a few examples:

· I start painting and it's something I have invested a lot of time on but then the painting is not going as well as I expected. When I realize that it's not looking the way I want it to, I just stop painting that instead of trying to fix it and maybe even give up painting altogether even thought it was something that I enjoyed doing.

· In eating disorders there is a very common example:  I am restricting on eating biscuits. Then one day I can't help the urge and I open the biscuit bag and eat one. I may think "Since I have already broken my rule, I may just as well eat the whole pack". And many times that sort of thought is what drives people into binge eating.

We need to challenge that sort of thought. We need to realize that not everything has to always be perfect. First of all, wanting things to always be perfect will lead us to unhappiness since we will never consider something to be perfect enough. So we have to accept things as they are and see the beauty in them.

If you enjoy something but feel like you're not good enough: don't quit. Keep on trying, no one was an expert at the beginning. And even if you don't get to be great at it, if you enjoy doing it you should keep up with it.

This sort of thinking is what drives many people into quitting school, university, a job, a hobby, maybe even relationships.

I'm not saying you should settle down for less than what you want in life. But I am saying that maybe you should reconsider whether what you want is realistic. Also, you should enjoy the things that you have and that you achieve and not quit things that you like because you feel like you're not doing them well enough. Who judges whether we are good enough anyway? No one's opinion matters except ourselves when it comes to that. We shouldn't be so hyper critic of ourselves. 

Let yourself enjoy life and things even when they're not perfect!

Borderline personality disorder and mood swings

Have you ever been on a roller coaster? That's pretty much how a person with BPD feels most of the time. I mean... not literally.

Okay, let me explain myself. When you suffer BPD, one of its main characteristics is the mood swings.

You may feel happy right now. And then something may happen, something that may be a little upsetting but that other people wouldn't consider 'a big deal', and BAM! suddenly you're sad, you feel like nothing is worth it or even suicidal. What happened? That little event, or there wasn't that little event. Any small trigger or small events can make your mood go from 0 to 10. The same way, someone may tell you that you were late and suddenly you're rage is so high that you feel like screaming at that person or even getting physically violent (or so mad that you feel like interiorising the pain with yourself).

Right, right. I'm not saying that ANYTHING would trigger a BPD person's emotions. But BPD is also referred to as an mood instability disorder, and that's because people who suffer it have a lot of trouble keeping their emotions in line and controlling them. Their feelings generally surpass them.

It doesn't mean that if they feel mad they will automatically get violent, do not get me wrong. But if something makes them mad, it will probably infuriate them. If something hurts them, it may make them sink so down that they may feel hopeless.

These feelings may not last longer than hours, because something else will probably happen and their mood will swing towards something else.

In the same day you can go from feeling happy, to feeling absolutely hopeless, fury and rage and then happy again. I remember when I was 18 it was when I became really self-conscious of these mood-swings and how brutal they were. Maybe one day I was feeling suicidal and then a few hours later I was extremely happy and excited about many different things.

I remember telling my psychiatrist that I thought I was bipolar. I had never heard about borderline personality disorder at this point. And bipolar was what sounded the closest to what I felt. She immediately ruled it out when she asked me what was the longest I was depressed for and I said a day.

But interesting fact: Guess what? Many years ago they used to think that BPD was a milder form of bipolar disorder.

One of the main issues with this roller coaster is that: you are very unstable and therefore as a consequence so are your relationships with people. Besides idealization and devaluation, this emotional instability is one of the major reasons why BPD people have such a hard time building long-lasting stable friendships and romantic relationships. A later post will talk about this more in detail.

But it is possible to become more stable. In my case, medication has helped me get my emotions more stable. I never thought that I'd aspire to be 'stable', but since last year that's all I want to be. Lately my emotions have been all over the place so I guess I need to visit the psychiatrist...

If you are worried about your mood swings, visit a therapist.

Alternatives to self-harm

Those who self-harm use it as a coping mechanism, but it does not only reinforce the previous problems you had and tried to escape by self-harming, it also creates a problem of its own. And it is very hard to stop. Self-harm is a very serious problem so if you do, I very strongly recommend that you see a therapist. 

So here are some things on what you can do when you get the urge of self-harming, instead of actually doing it. These are some healthy alternatives that have worked for me.

· Call a friend and talk about something else

· If you're somewhere where there's someone else, go talk to that person about whatever

· Talk to someone about how you feel

· Write down how you feel

· Paint

· Watch a TV series or movie that will keep you distracted

· Go do sports if you have the energy (the endorphins will help you feel better)

· Have a bubble bath

· If something specific is triggering you - distract yourself from it (Like for example if a certain conversation is making you feel very triggered, then ask the people to talk about something else, or distract yourself by doing something else. This is not 'escaping' the situation, it is distancing yourself from a situation that is making you feel bad enough to make you feel like self-harming. Distancing yourself or distracting yourself from a situation that makes you feel bad is a healthy coping mechanism.)

· Go see a family member or friend that you like spending time with

Make sure you also visit the link: Distractions from depression to find other ways to distract yourself, such as the post on Reading as a distraction from depression.

Obviously feel free to add your own in the comments, there will be different useful alternatives for each person depending on what you like to do and what distracts you.

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Going back to your 'old life'

I am so sorry about how long it has been since my last post! But I do have an excuse. I have spent the last week back at my university city, visiting friends and teachers. This was meant to be a way to see my friends who are back at uni, to talk to my teachers about the work that I have to hand in in January (when my leave of absence is over) and to start to integrate myself again in my old life.

And even though I came back on Sunday, I needed time to think about the experience.

I must admit that I had been very scared about going back. As much as I wanted to see my friends, I had not been at the university campus since March and I was scared about how stressful it was going to be. 

In these months I have developed this anxiety of being around a lot of young people. When I'm in the tram on my way to town and there are a lot of young people who go down at the same station as me, I just avoid the stairs that they are using and I use the other ones (they usually use the escalator, so I use the stairs). So when I arrived to university and it was FULL of young people wherever I went, you can imagine that my level of anxiety went up.

So yes, going back was definitely triggering. But at the same time I do feel like it was a necessary step. I am meant to be going back in January so at some point I had to start to make those small steps.

Something similar may have happened to some of you. Maybe in different contexts. But sometimes when you have had to leave your everyday life to get treatment, the prospect of going back can be very stressful.

As much as on the one hand you may want to retake your normal life again, you may have a certain fear about this. If it is not the case, then that is amazing and I am really glad that that is the case for you and that you have no issues with it.

But if you do feel stressed about the prospect, then I think that what I have done is a good idea. This time I have only gone for a week. I will be going back before January for another week more or less. Even though this may be triggering in a way, at the same time it did show me what scared me the most and what things I have to get ready for and work on.

January may come and I may still not be ready, that could happen. But I think that taking small steps before instead of going all of a sudden in January is a lot better. The shock that came from this visit was a shock that, after all, I spared myself from in January when I move back in.

Have you had any similar experiences?

What has helped you to adapt again to your "old life?

How to reject alcohol in social situations

Alcohol is a drug, but it is a very socially accepted one. So much so, that it is even considered strange not to drink in some social contexts. However, you may not want to drink. If you are struggling with depression or other mental health issues and know that alcohol can lead you to dysfunctional behavior, you want to stay as far away from it as possible. And if you are on antidepressants, you shouldn't be drinking alcohol either, as I explained on my previous post.
However, this doesn't mean that you can't go out, or that you have to avoid any social situation that includes alcohol. Especially if you have isolated yourself in the past, you want to start to attend social events again.
But people can be pushy with the subject of alcohol, and they may not just ask if you want to drink, but try to encourage you to drink. This sucks, I know, especially when you actually kind of want to accept and are only rejecting it because you know that it's bad for you but there is a part of you that wants to say yes.

Here are some tips and tricks not to succumb to peer pressure. It will also be helpful to keep some of this info in mind in order to not get upset.

When people offer you a drink and you refuse, they are likely to keep offering. Don't get annoyed, they are probably not doing it with bad intention even if their insistence makes you feel bad. They may have good intentions and simply be trying to get you to 'have a good time'. It is commonly assumed that that's alcohol's purpose. And most people don't see that for some people alcohol can just be either plain uninteresting or actually pretty damaging.
What you probably want to do when someone insists over and over again is something along these lines:

But that's why I'm writing this post, to offer you other solutions.

Bringing someone along who knows you're not drinking. If you have a mental health issue, having someone at the party/social event who knows about your issues and who knows that you can't drink is a really good idea. That way, if people keep offering you drinks, you will not be on your own rejecting them, you will have someone by your side offering you their strength and maybe even pushing those people away (even if that friend is drinking too).

If you bring a friend who doesn't drink either, then even better, since it will be 2 of you not drinking and things will become much easier because your friend's behavior will encourage yours and the same the other way around!

You can say that you have a New Year's resolution not to drink. People are more likely to stop offering you drinks if that's the case. 

If they have seen you drinking earlier the same year, you can do a version of the previous one which is to say that you have stopped drinking for a while to be healthy. And it is the truth!

I'm not a fan of lies. I actually hate them. But if you're getting stressed out from being pressured to drink, I think that's a fair enough reason to blurt out an innocent lie such as claiming to be on antibiotics. It will not work on a long term basis, but if it is for a one-off that you're going out or once that people are especially annoying, you may just choose to use it.

If your problem is that you actually want to drink but you know that you shouldn't and you don't know whether or not you'll be able to control yourself, you can just take the necessary amount of money for the transport back (or in case you'll need a taxi back or whatever), and leave the rest home. Or give your money to a friend that you trust. I know that when I take more money than I need out, sometimes I think "I may just as well buy alcohol" when I'm caught in the moment. So, lately I tend to take a lot less. Only the amount for a few soft drinks and what a taxi would cost in case I'll be too stressed to drive back or whatever.

If there are some people that when you meet up with them they always get drunk, and they keep insisting on you drinking despite you repeatedly saying no... You might want to reconsider whether it is good to keep hanging out with those people, at least for the moment. I'm not saying, go on and break a friendship just because your friends like to drink. I'm only saying that if your relationship consists solely on meeting up to drink and you can't drink (or shouldn't or don't want to) then maybe they are not the right people for you to hang out with at the moment.

Also, I want to emphasize that I wrote this post because I don't want you to have to stop going out just because you can't drink. You should do the things that you like, because in order to get better from depression, you should do the things that you like to do and do as much of them as you can. But I am not saying either that going out is necessary if that is not your thing. 

I hope this was helpful!

I'll confess: I tried doing a vlog about this but I'm so bad at it... and I was gonna post it anyway but then I found out the sound and the video weren't on sinc... -.- so yes, I'll try next time.