Does narcissistic equal evil?

The first time that a therapist told me that I had narcissistic traits I was shocked. Yeah, my friends had told me sometimes that I loved myself a bit too much... But I believed narcissism was having a grandiose image of yourself, and I was pretty insecure and even hated myself sometimes. So I simply forgot about it. Until it was brought up again later on by another therapist. I then did some research and read what the narcissistic traits are according to the DSM IV. I was told I only had some traits, but this is the list of traits of the narcissistic personality disorder:

• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
• Requires excessive admiration
• Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
• Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
• Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
• Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
• Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

The truth is that the way that it is worded, a lot of the traits sound like negative ones. When I read that, and bearing in mind that my grandmother probably had a narcissistic personality disorder, I thought that being narcissistic meant that I was evil. So I brought this up in therapy and my therapist explained to me how most of the traits are not necessarily "negative" in the sense that they don't make you a bad person. And there seem to be a lot of people who think that way, with images like this one around the internet:

So obviously I was very concerned about being told that I had narcissistic traits. Did that mean I was a bad person? Did that mean I was a manipulative person?

Let's have a closer look at some of these traits and analyze them:

· Has a grandiose sense of self-importance

This can also be understood as thinking that your life is a mission to do something, that there is a meaning to you being here. You may think that what you think is the truth whereas other people simply have beliefs.

It doesn't necessarily believe that you think of yourself above others or that you think you deserve more than anyone else.

· Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people

This is not necessarily as classist or elitist as it sounds. You may be able to associate with everyone but maybe you don't want to get close ties with people who you feel bring nothing to your life.

 · Requires excessive admiration

You may simply seek recognition, not necessarily admiration. 

· Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

This one particularly scared me quite a lot. I don't feel like I exploit people, I am respectful of others and try to never harm them purposefully. However, if you prefer associating with people who bring something to your life, that could be understood as socially exploitative, especially if once you get bored or get from them what you wanted, you leave them (even if it is done in an unconscious way).

So this doesn't necessarily mean that you seek to exploit others. You are not necessarily a bad person even if you do have this trait.

So, as I've tried to highlight, these supposedly negative traits are not really so negative. As it is also the case with many other issues in mental health, there is a lack of knowledge and a lot of misconceptions about narcissism and it is many times seen as something negative, that makes you 'a bad person' when that's not always the case. You obviously need to work on those traits with your therapist, especially if they're interfering in your life and/or interpersonal relationships. But if you have NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) or you have some narcissistic traits, it doesn't mean that you are a bad person. Our actions define us, not labels. Don't let the label define who you are. However, I am pro-labels in the sense that it does help people understand what they're going through and why and that they're not alone. However, don't let labels define you.

Misconceptions about self harm

As with many other issues related to mental health, there are a lot of misconceptions about self harm. There is a lot of stigma around self harm and unfortunately this means that people are unlikely to talk about it and therefore misconceptions are perpetuated. This post aims to shed some light on self harm and to bring down some common myths around it.

I am NOT trying to promote self-harm and I strongly encourage anyone who has considered it to not do it, and anyone who self harms to seek help. 

If you know someone who self harms, I hope this post helps you understand it better and not judge them. Offer them your help, not your judgment. Self harm is a very serious issue.

·"People who self-harm are trying to kill themselves" 

Self harm doesn't equal attempted suicide. Most people who self harm are not trying to kill themselved but instead use self harm as a coping mechanism

·"People who self harm are suicidal" 

This is not always true. It may be in some cases but a lot of those who self harm don't have any sort of suicidal ideation in mind. They could be self harming for a lot of different reasons and you should be concerned. If they are self harming they're probably having mental health problems and could be dealing with depression, anxiety or some other issues. Even if they are not currently suicidal, if they don't get help, the problem leading to self harm could get worse and the shame and guilt that usually accompany self harm could make the situation worse, potentially making them have suicidal thoughts in the future

·"People who self harm are trying to get attention" 

Most people who self harm actually hide their wounds and don't show them to anyone. If a person recurs to self harm for whatever reason, they should get help and you shouldn't try to judge or analyse their motives.

·"You don't have to worry about someone's self harm unless it's serious injuries" 

You have to worry about someone's self harm no matter how serious, deep or shallow their injuries are. If they are self harming they need help. Of course, if the injuries are more serious there is a risk of parasuicide, the person could accidentally die even if it's not their intention from the seriousness of the wounds. However, someone whose injuries seem less serious could potentially have more suicidal thoughts than people whose self harm is deeper. There are many different reasons why someone would choose to inflict less serious wounds but that doesn't mean that the problem is less serious.

·"Self harm = cutting" 

There are many more ways in which someone can harm themselves and they are all equally serious. I'm not going to name any so that I don't give any ideas to people who self harm but anything that someone does to their body with the intention of harming themselves can be considered self harm.

·"Scratching doesn't count as self harm" 

Look at my previous point. Scratching can be self harm and does not have to be overlooked.

·"Showing your scars means that you're seeking attention" 

I'm sorry but no. I'll post something about this in the future but showing your scars doesn't mean that you want attention. Not even showing your wounds has to mean this. But with scars there's not even controversy around it. You should feel comfortable in your own body and if you do have scars and you show them, that means courage, that means that you're getting comfortable with your body as it is. Do not be ashamed of your scars. And do not shame people about their scars. Scars, even if they're not self-inflicted can be a tough thing to get used to showing. Feel comfortable in your own skin.

·"You can stop self harming any time you want" 

Unfortunately this is completely false. Yes, you can take steps towards stopping your self harm and I'm not saying that you'll never be able to stop: you will. But it's not an easy thing to do. There is a physical and a psychological explanation for this. The physical one is that pain and pleasure are separated by a very thin line. By self harming you release endorphins and your brain actually becomes addicted to this. The psychological reason is that if you're feeling bad for some reason and you recur to self  harm and it makes you feel better (for whatever reason) and you have trouble dealing with those problematic feelings, then when you feel them again you know that self harm once made you feel better and you'll recur to it more easily. What starts being whenever something huge happens ends up becoming your go-to mechanism any time you're not feeling particularly well. That's why quitting self harm is so difficult.Relapses are normal in the process to recovery and you mustn't let them bring your hopes down. It is possible to stop self harming.

·"People who self harm are just emo/flaunting their cuts"

Let's stop right there. Flaunting their cuts? I have indeed met some people who were proud of their wounds and would show them around as if it were something to be proud of, and I've always felt a certain disgust towards this behavior. I personally was extremely ashamed of my self harm that I was always particularly careful to hide it. Like me, so many people hide their wounds. There are so many people ashamed, embarrassed who won't show their wounds. A lot more than of those who show them.

·"People self harm because they want to" 

Riiiiiight. Not really. I mean, you're sort of right but not really. Because of what I have explained earlier about it becoming sort of addictive, a lot of the times people don't really want to stop self harming because it actually makes them feel better so they think: why stop? I keep seeing it as a drug. A drug user might want to stop doing drugs but then again a part of themselves might not really want to. I don't know anyone who likes to self harm. Most people experience feelings of shame, self-hatred, embarrassment or guilt after self harming. However a part of them doesn't want to stop doing the only thing they have found so far that helps them feel better. That's why it is so important to get professional help. Don't try to deal with someone's self harm all by yourself. They need help and they need treatment.

Eating disorders misconceptions

To make up for my absence, here is another post!

This post intends to be informative, but it's also a bit of a rant about how mad ignorance about eating disorders make me. So forgive me when I start to rant, but do read it since you may find it interesting!

It is no secret that there are a lot of misconceptions about mental health in general.

Eating disorders are one of the most recognized mental health issues in today's society. And still there are so many misconceptions about it that it seems hard to believe.

Eating disorders can come in all shapes and sizes (and gender!).

Even though eating disorders are generally associated with girls, it is wrong to assume that it's only girls who suffer from EDs, since although. We can't ignore all the guys who are going through an eating disorder. There is more stigma for boys and it is less recognized, it may be harder for them to admit it and come forward about it.

It pisses me off a lot when people assume that in order to have an eating disorder (and for it to be serious) you have to be a certain size. It's like: Hello? Is someone even paying attention?

Yes, of course being VERY skinny is very dangerous. But someone can be any size, any weight and have an eating disorder that's threatening their life.

The center I am at is both for people with personality disorders and/or eating disorders. When I tell my dad that there is a new patient, he always asks me “Oh, is she very skinny? Or very fat?” And I just feel so frustrated that I feel the urge to start breaking things. Because no matter how many times I explain it to him, he keeps thinking like that.

I remember when a friend of mine finally decided to speak up about the eating disorder she'd been suffering for years. She went to counseling once and she never went again. The counsellor gave her few options and told her that “Anyway, you can tell that your ED is not too bad”. Where the hell did that counsellor get his license for counseling if that is even a thing? And if it's not, then it should be. Because you can't go around saying that sort of things to people.

That is what people with EDs think, sometimes when they start to realize that they have a problem, they think “I'm not skinny enough to have an ED”. I know that's what I thought.

But eating disorders is not just anorexia, there is bulimia, and there is EDNOS. And there are subcategories.

Also eating disorders aren't simply about food, which they obviously are. They are also about someone's self-esteem. Depression is inevitably linked to EDs. So it is frustrating (and a bit infuriating) when someone thinks that people who suffer from eating disorders are being vain. An eating disorder is mainly a mental health issue - which has an effect on a person's appearance. But it's definitely not simply about one's image.

I know there are many more misconceptions, but these are the main ones that I wanted to talk about today. So I will very probably be doing another post about this sometime in the future. 

Are there any other misconceptions about eating disorders that especially frustrate you?