The very inspiring blogger award

Right, so when I tell you I am a mess? I am a freaking real huge mess.

So yesterday I found out that I've been awarded the Very Inspiring Blogger Award by Kevin from The Mental Health Writers' Guild. And I also found out that this happened back in March. But since I am a huge mess of a person I didn't find out until yesterday. Thank you so much Kevin, I am so grateful for this and I am so sorry for the delay (maybe I'll get a comment by someone telling me this is no longer valid but oh well, let's try, shall we).

Here are the rules of the award for me and for those I nominate.

Rules and Courtesies

1. Thank your nominator by posting a link to their blog on your Award post

2. List 7 to 10 Facts About Yourself

3. Nominate up to 15 other blogs for being inspirational

4. Post the rules so people know them

5. Notify your nominees via their About Page and send them the link to your Award Post with the rules on it – I will do so once I choose the lucky ones and I finish this post

6. Post the award badge on your blog anywhere you like on your pages or posts.

List 10 things about myself? Good Lord this is hard and no one wants to know, can we skip it? Right, I'll just answer, I'm already not sure I'm awarded this because I'm late so let's not tempt fate.

1. I'm very bad with technology and that certainly includes design which is why there are such few images done by me in my blog and why I had to buy a professional template because I can't draw for my life. Not being patient doesn't really help either, I just get frustrated at technology and start talking to it saying how mad I am it's not working the way I want it to. It's probably a funny show to watch.
2. My natural hair colour is dark blonde. In Spain everyone has always considered me blonde but when I went to the UK, people started saying I was not really blonde, that my hair was 'mousy brown'. So there started my process of getting lighter blonde hair because 'I was blonde'. My hair was long and wavy and amazing. At some point I decided to dye it ginger at home. It only went downhill from there. From ginger I got blonde, but lighter than before. And then in December I had to cut my hair and took it as a chance to dye it even lighter, I was almost platinum blonde. A few weeks ago I died it black but didn't apply enough dye. Not enough black dye in platinum hair? Yep, you guessed right, my hair is an awesome multi-colour mess.
3. My first depression episode was when I was 11.
4. I don't choose dogs or cats, I love both. I had a dog from the age of 4 until I was 18 and, being an only child, he was like my brother. Last year I adopted a dog from a shelter who's almost as crazy as I am and I freaking love her.
5. I am trilingual French, English and Spanish.
6. If I really had to label my sexuality, it would be 'bisexual'. And no, that doesn't mean I just like anyone and everyone.
7. Last one, finally, this was getting awkward (almost like Never have I ever). I study listening to screamo music, some songs are lighter pop punk but screamo is my favorite to study.

Let's nominate (with no specific order):

1. Our wolf song
2. A whole lot of chitty chat
3. Relief from anxiety
4. Depressionaire (but the link has expired so I don't know if the blog is still ongoing)
5. Adios to anorexia
6. Daisies and darkness
7. Insights by Judy
8. Truest life
9. Bipolar disorder by Jessica Lee
10. Courtney's voice
11. Bipolar Nana
12. The life of perpetual anxiety
13. Christy-Ellen: General ramblings
14. Mental parent
15. The Mental Health Writers Guild (I know this is Kevin's blog and he nominated be so it might be weird that I nominate him back. But since I found his blog I've always thought it was extremely inspiring to readers in general but also to other bloggers in particular. And that's why I felt like this blog couldn't be missing from my list)
    
    
    
    

    

Why I'm thankful I lived 2014 and my suicide attempt a year ago failed

This post could be triggering (I have tried my best for it not to be), but still.

If you have suicidal thoughts or ideation, please seek urgent help.

Most of you who use Facebook have probably been given the offer to 'see this year' according to Facebook. Well, so have I. And guess what? There were very few pictures, I think it's the year there have been the fewest pictures since I opened my account. Why was that? One could think this was a year not worth remembering, maybe I think that as well some times. But that is very far from the truth. This year was not the best year of my life. The worst moments and days of my life have taken place in 2014. And still, I am thankful that I got the chance to live this 2014. That may sound extremely dramatic, but you may not find it so much so when I tell you that exactly a year ago, on the early hours of the 1^st of January 2014, I attempted suicide.

Things had been getting ugly for a long time for me. My depression had come back and it seemed to be here to stay. I was experiencing panic attacks, dissociative episodes, extreme mood swings, I was in the midst of a dependance relationship with my boyfriend back then and I had had suicidal thoughts and ideation for months. I thought that I was losing my mind. I found it impossible to concentrate and had required extensions for my work at university for the first time in my life. I had resorted to parties, sex, food restriction, alcohol and drugs and mild self-harm to keep my feelings at bay, to 'control' my feelings and keep them from spinning out of control. But the truth is that by the end of 2013 not only was I on antidepressants, I was unable to sleep on a room by myself with the lights off unless I had taken a sleeping pill, and I found the idea of fun without alcohol absolutely absurd.

I saw myself as being on the 'peak' of my life and I thought I was going crazy and knew that everything was going to go downhill because I couldn't keep the pace I was on. I thought I was going to break down and that everyone I loved would leave me.

Well, guess what? No one left me when things got as ugly as they did. And I am glad that I was here to see that.

Yes, I lost a couple of friends who didn't understand the extent of my mental health issues and claimed that I was just being lazy and an attention whore. But those people were never worth it in the first place.

But all the others, all the ones who mattered, stayed by me. Even people I did not consider so close, people I never thought would be there in ugly times, showed up to show their support.

This past year has not been the best year of my life. It started with me attempting suicide. As a consequence, I was requested by my therapist and my parents to leave university, my house, my job, my friends and boyfriend, the country where I was studying, to go back home to live with my parents. The first months of 2014 are but a blur in my mind.

But this 2014 I finally got diagnosed with BPD (after having recurring episodes of depression since I was 11 and needing a therapist a few times for an eating disorder, depressive episodes and self-harm since I was 16). I was sent to a day centre to which I attended every day and learnt DBT and other skills to deal with my illness and my life.

I ended up 2013 wishing to end my life, and as 2014 ends, I have hope again, and I want to live my life and find out where all of this is going.

In January I will be moving back to university to finish my degree.

This year has been very hard, but it has been filled with great surprises, great people, great lessons.

I am thankful that I got to live this 2014 and I am looking forward to 2015.

I remember at the beginning of last year I thought I was never going to feel better, but now I do. Things have improved so much and they will keep improving.

Recovery is not an easy process. I am on medication, I am still in therapy. But I'm getting better and I certainly am much better than I used to be.

So if you are struggling, remember that things do get better (and I am the living example of it - and I'm glad to be!). Please hold on. You are important.

Surviving the holidays - Spending the holiday with family

This is the first post in a series of posts about how to 'survive' these holidays.

Even though the holidays are meant to be a happy time to spend with our loved ones, many of us find them challenging as well. It can bring anxiety and other unwanted emotions, so these blogposts are to ensure that your holidays can pass as smoothly as possible!

This post will be about: 

Spending the holiday with family

Your family may or may not know about your mental health issues. A lot of us spend the holidays with our families, and there are some members of our family that we see less often than others. So questions regarding you, your current situation and possibly your mental health could be asked.

One of the main things that I recommend is to think about it before. If someone asks you what you're currently doing or if something is wrong, you could easily go blank from anxiety and not know what to reply. So something that I have found helpful is to prepare beforehand what you are going to say to people.

You may want to check out the post of 'What to say if you're not ready to tell people', since it contains advice on what to say if you're not ready to talk about your mental health.

Once you know more or less what you want to tell people, it will be a lot easier when they ask you since you will be prepared.

If your family tends to worry about you and you don't want all the attention focused on you (and think that this may be an issue), you can also think beforehand about some topics of conversation to try to change the subject and redirect the conversation towards something else.

The purpose of this series of post is to make them short and easy to read to be as helpful as possible. I will be posting them at least twice a week, so make sure to keep an eye out!

Alternatives to self-harm

Those who self-harm use it as a coping mechanism, but it does not only reinforce the previous problems you had and tried to escape by self-harming, it also creates a problem of its own. And it is very hard to stop. Self-harm is a very serious problem so if you do, I very strongly recommend that you see a therapist. 

So here are some things on what you can do when you get the urge of self-harming, instead of actually doing it. These are some healthy alternatives that have worked for me.

· Call a friend and talk about something else

· If you're somewhere where there's someone else, go talk to that person about whatever

· Talk to someone about how you feel

· Write down how you feel

· Paint

· Watch a TV series or movie that will keep you distracted

· Go do sports if you have the energy (the endorphins will help you feel better)

· Have a bubble bath

· If something specific is triggering you - distract yourself from it (Like for example if a certain conversation is making you feel very triggered, then ask the people to talk about something else, or distract yourself by doing something else. This is not 'escaping' the situation, it is distancing yourself from a situation that is making you feel bad enough to make you feel like self-harming. Distancing yourself or distracting yourself from a situation that makes you feel bad is a healthy coping mechanism.)

· Go see a family member or friend that you like spending time with

Make sure you also visit the link: Distractions from depression to find other ways to distract yourself, such as the post on Reading as a distraction from depression.

Obviously feel free to add your own in the comments, there will be different useful alternatives for each person depending on what you like to do and what distracts you.

Feel free to send an email to newwingstofly@gmail.com

or tweet to http://www.twitter.com/newwingstofly

Being at school or university with depression and anxiety

I have mentioned a few times that I had to leave university because of depression last January. I will talk more about that in a later post. However in this post I wanted to talk about my experience in school and university with depression and anxiety and what helped me make things relatively better.

Hopefully those of you who are struggling with work, university or school can find this entry helpful.

I will not lie, this was not the first year that I stressed because of my degree. since a very young age my studies, my parents' expectations and my aim for perfection have made me stress more and more every year. I hadn't yet arrived to uni when exam periods made me so stressed that I would cry for days or even two weeks, claiming that nobody cared about me, they only cared about my grades. The sentence "I am only a number" has become a highly repeated one in my repertoire.

I was aware that there was a school psychologist and looking in retrospective, I think that I should have gone visit her. Talking to a teacher could also have been a good idea. Maybe not just any teacher, but someone that I trusted and who knew me well.

However when I arrived to university something changed. I must clarify that despite my good grades at school I did not feel ready to go to university, I didn't know what I wanted to do. However I succumbed to the pressure around me and I picked a degree. Although I think university is an incredible opportunity for those who can afford it, I do think that if you are unsure about what you want to do, you should feel free to take some time to consider it despite what your family might say at the beginning.

Thankfully I do not regret my choice and I turned out to like it. 

But the pressure at university became completely different. I only had 6 hours of class per week (people in the UK might know there are not many classes, unless studying engineering, I'm not sure of how it is in the US or other countries). So I had to organise my own timetable, my own study hours. I was also living away from home so there was no one supervising me. I had complete freedom yet I had responsibilities no one but me was checking that I was doing. It was a big change. And stress came in a whole other level. In my first year I had a big depressive episode, along with self-harm and my eating disorder reappeared, but I still didn't know all the resources that were available to me at university. 

I found out that there was an Eating Disorders Unit at the University Health Service. I only found out about I guess many universities, if not most will have something similar so try to get advice from a regular doctor or online.

I found out about the service because I went to the doctor because of constant headaches and dizziness. After asking me many questions, I admitted that I was not eating properly and that is when she mentioned the Eating Disorders Unit and she referred me to them.

At the time I did not see leaving university as an option because I thought it would be an enormous disappointment for my parents. I considered the option of suicide more viable than the option of quitting university. Quite extreme, huh?

I ended up seeing a psychiatrist when I returned home in Christmas and taking some medication and things got better.

In my third year, I had learnt to organise my time. And not only that. Thanks to my job as a residential mentor in 2nd and 3rd years I had learnt about quite a lot of the options and resources that the university offered to students with problems. I also knew that depression was not something uncommon at university.

This time my depressive episode had started over the summer. So when the university year began, my anxiety attacks didn't take too long to follow. The last year was not just a lot of uni work, I also had to think about my future and start applying to jobs. And besides my degree I had a job and I was part of the committee of a society. I guess it's not something unusual to do many things during the university time. We want to fill our CV (Curriculum Vitae), have a full experience, learn more things. However, if you are someone who stresses easily and you already suffer from anxiety and/or depression, maybe don't make things so hard for yourself. This doesn't mean that you can't study and work. It doesn't mean that you can't do what you want. It only means that you should try to know and learn to know your limits. In my second year I had no problem with my degree and my job. However, in third year with that same job, I had a bit more uni work and I added the committee. I honestly believe that things would have got out of control even if I didn't have my job or the committee, but those two things certainly did not help and only made things more stressful.

I went to the doctor and later the psychiatrist and got some sleeping pills (besides antidepressants). I found the sleeping pills very helpful especially at the beginning because I was suffering from a really bad case of insomnia. However, (if you choose this as one of your options) I cannot say this clear enough or too many times, do not self-medicate. Only take the amount that your doctor prescribed and the way that they prescribed it.

I talked to my personal tutor. I had only talked to him twice before. Once the first day of 1st year, once the first day of 2nd year. So it's not like I trusted him a lot, or knew him a lot. But the doctor at the University Health Service insisted that it was an essential step in order to facilitate things. And you know what? It was an enormous help! He was really understanding and really helpful. He asked me to email him every once in a while keeping him informed. And he told me that if I brought a medical certificate I could get extensions for all my essay deadlines. I had not expected this at all. And it did really help since I found impossible the simple task of concentrating. Even if I didn't need the extra time in the end (which I ended up needing), my stress and anxiety got relieved knowing that I had more time to do it.

I could have done this in first year, it would have probably helped me relieve some stress. But I didn't do it because I thought he would think I was lazy and I was embarrassed. But honestly, do not hesitate. If you are struggling and are having issues, go talk to your tutor. Even if you don't need more time. They might find some way to help you make things easier and better. And it is all confidential.

Talk to your mentors, to the tutors, look up the resources online. They are all there to help you. I know from experience that I was too scared to talk to my own mentor in first year. But when I became one I wanted to help people and our job was to advise them and keep the information confidential.

There are resources available to you.

You are not alone.

I hope this helped!

You're strong

These last couple of weeks I have been feeling more down than I had for the last couple of months. Some of the 'biggest' symptoms of depression that had disappeared with medication, such as suicidal thoughts and constant crying, started coming back again.

Yesterday my psychiatrist readjusted my doses of medication and hopefully I will experience a change soon. (I know there are different points of view about medication, I am currently taking meds. I will expand on the topic of medication on a later post)

What I’m trying to say is: don’t give up if at some points of your recovery you feel down, because that

will most certainly happen. But it doesn’t mean you are weak, it is what happens to everyone and it is important that you know that you are not alone in that. You have to constantly make the choice of not giving up, and that is what defines your strength.

It doesn’t matter if at times you feel down or weak because it does not mean that you ARE weak, it is only your mind trying to trick you into thinking otherwise. You have to be stronger and smarter and pick to not give up, pick recovery over and over again.

What I am also trying to say is that you should not be afraid to go and ask for help if you need it. If you feel like you need to talk to someone about it, then do it, either to someone you trust and if you think that some symptoms have reappeared, don’t be scared to say it. Sometimes, different types of therapies or medications work differently for different people and your therapist might consider that a change could be appropriate.

You might be scared about people thinking that you are weak because once you have started recovery you think that you technically should go from feeling ok to feeling better and shouldn’t have any moments when you feel down. I understand that you might not want to tell people close to you, I have this problem too. I don't want them to worry, I want them to think I'm fine. But if they care about you, they want to know how you feel and probably if you told them you feel down they could help you feel a least a little bit better by making you feel understood. Because having to pretend is exhausting, I know.

If, however, you don’t want to tell your family, at least tell your therapist.

However, I encourage you to tell someone in your entourage as well and DEFINITELY your therapist. It is normal, it happens to everyone, and you will recover once again from it.

Don’t give up, hold on. You are not alone.

First post, my story

I believe each person has a story to tell. It doesn’t have to be something “BIG”, each story is worth telling. Your story is the most important and beautiful, you are the only one who knows the whole truth, only you can judge.

I got inspired by the book “Be beautiful, be you” by Lizzie Velasquez.

For those of you who don’t know her, she is a girl with a rare condition that doesn’t allow her to gain weight. This affects her every day life. It is impressive how she managed to stand up after each insult or disgusting look from others. All her life she is pointed by strangers, but every morning she wakes up  and is grateful for her life. Something I respect a lot.

I had always believed I’m not a talented writer. Lizzie is the one who showed me that you don’t have to be a great writer to write. Probably I’m not the best, but who cares!

I think writing helps. Putting your thoughts down on a paper leaves your mind in peace for at least an instant. Some of you maybe know that feeling “please leave me, at least for a moment”, well writing helps me, putting my “crazy ideas” (in a good or bad way) in order, gives me perspective.

If someone asks me now, “are you happy?”, my answer is, without hesitation, “YES!” But it wasn’t easy, and it stills not, but it’s worth it. I would encourage everyone to spend more time with themselves. Think about who you want to be, what you want to be, where you want to be, why and the hardest how you want to do it. But it is a 24 hour job, you have to fight for it each and every second, no one can help you, you are the only one who  can encourage yourself to continue even if sometimes it’s hard.

It’s difficult to say where my story begins. I guess I would say it’s two/three years ago during the senior year.

It is an atmosphere full of tension, they remind you each day how important that year is, how it will impact on your whole life, how it is a one life opportunity. Possibly some of you know what I’m talking about. Just thinking about it,  reminds me of the pressure in my stomach that I used to feel.

I always loved to study, it sounds nerdy, but I really enjoyed it. But that year it was different, I began to study for my marks, for the university instead for myself. That was the first bad decision.

All we do, it’s a matter of point of view. It depends on what is important to you. Now I would say “love myself”, I realise how egoistic that sounds, but how can you care about someone else, if you don’t care about yourself.

It’s hard work, but in my opinion the most important. We forget to do it too often, in some way I think society makes us overlook this part of ourselves. In that way they would lose,their “power”  over us, because once you realise yourself, you don’t need a system to care about you, you can take care of yourself. In some ways I think that we don’t really live in a “free” world. If we do what we’re ask to, it works well. But from the moment that you take another road, the big wave that used to care about you, flows against you.

You can be what, when, who, why, where ever you want. And I promise you, it’s one of the best feelings you will feel. When you find out who you are, you will find out what you need.

Back to my story... I began to study for the external factors. I  put a lot of pressure at myself. I was obsessed about getting high grades, and that was the only thing I could think about. I couldn’t see anything besides my exams. A feeling that today I find ridiculous. A mark, a job, a hobby doesn’t describe you, it’s part of you, but it’s not you. But back then I could just see that. I tried to convince myself that I was okay, but I wasn’t. I remember looking at myself at mirror, smiling, and tears running down my cheeks. I could see my unhappiness in my eyes, but told myself, I was exaggerating, I was okay. As the time passed, I recognized myself less, until a day looked at me and could find me. Then I said, OK, that is what means to grow up, to became an adult, a thought which is absurd.

The days passed, the pressure increased every day.

After a year I got my marks, I got into the medicine School  I wanted . I should have been thrilled, but I wasn’t. I just wanted to get that feeling away. At that time I thought maybe I should ask for help, but then again I said to myself that it wasn’t such a big deal.

For to 2 years I lived with that bad feeling, pressuring myself. I didn’t ask myself what I  really wanted, if I wanted to be at the university, if I wanted to study medicine, I just kept going.

Until I got a job, where I had to convince people to be part of Red Cross. I had to go from house to house, talk to people and convince them. It was too much for me, each time someone closed the door in front of me it was like a bullet in my stomach. With that experience I got, like the psychologist said, a burnout. At that moment, I understood I needed help. And I can say it was the best decision I ever made. Under recommendation I took  a time out, I began to respect, understand, know myself better. This was a year ago, during this year I’ve learn a lot about the human body and mind, and I can assure you it’s amazing.

After my personal experience, I would recommend each of you to sit and think about yourselves.

For the ones knowing  what they want, don’t forget that it is important to be patient. Some days it will be easy; other days it will be less, but if you want something and you work for it, it is possible.

I have shared my story with you, now it’s your turn.

Hold on!

Hya