The very inspiring blogger award

Right, so when I tell you I am a mess? I am a freaking real huge mess.

So yesterday I found out that I've been awarded the Very Inspiring Blogger Award by Kevin from The Mental Health Writers' Guild. And I also found out that this happened back in March. But since I am a huge mess of a person I didn't find out until yesterday. Thank you so much Kevin, I am so grateful for this and I am so sorry for the delay (maybe I'll get a comment by someone telling me this is no longer valid but oh well, let's try, shall we).

Here are the rules of the award for me and for those I nominate.

Rules and Courtesies

1. Thank your nominator by posting a link to their blog on your Award post

2. List 7 to 10 Facts About Yourself

3. Nominate up to 15 other blogs for being inspirational

4. Post the rules so people know them

5. Notify your nominees via their About Page and send them the link to your Award Post with the rules on it – I will do so once I choose the lucky ones and I finish this post

6. Post the award badge on your blog anywhere you like on your pages or posts.

List 10 things about myself? Good Lord this is hard and no one wants to know, can we skip it? Right, I'll just answer, I'm already not sure I'm awarded this because I'm late so let's not tempt fate.

1. I'm very bad with technology and that certainly includes design which is why there are such few images done by me in my blog and why I had to buy a professional template because I can't draw for my life. Not being patient doesn't really help either, I just get frustrated at technology and start talking to it saying how mad I am it's not working the way I want it to. It's probably a funny show to watch.
2. My natural hair colour is dark blonde. In Spain everyone has always considered me blonde but when I went to the UK, people started saying I was not really blonde, that my hair was 'mousy brown'. So there started my process of getting lighter blonde hair because 'I was blonde'. My hair was long and wavy and amazing. At some point I decided to dye it ginger at home. It only went downhill from there. From ginger I got blonde, but lighter than before. And then in December I had to cut my hair and took it as a chance to dye it even lighter, I was almost platinum blonde. A few weeks ago I died it black but didn't apply enough dye. Not enough black dye in platinum hair? Yep, you guessed right, my hair is an awesome multi-colour mess.
3. My first depression episode was when I was 11.
4. I don't choose dogs or cats, I love both. I had a dog from the age of 4 until I was 18 and, being an only child, he was like my brother. Last year I adopted a dog from a shelter who's almost as crazy as I am and I freaking love her.
5. I am trilingual French, English and Spanish.
6. If I really had to label my sexuality, it would be 'bisexual'. And no, that doesn't mean I just like anyone and everyone.
7. Last one, finally, this was getting awkward (almost like Never have I ever). I study listening to screamo music, some songs are lighter pop punk but screamo is my favorite to study.

Let's nominate (with no specific order):

1. Our wolf song
2. A whole lot of chitty chat
3. Relief from anxiety
4. Depressionaire (but the link has expired so I don't know if the blog is still ongoing)
5. Adios to anorexia
6. Daisies and darkness
7. Insights by Judy
8. Truest life
9. Bipolar disorder by Jessica Lee
10. Courtney's voice
11. Bipolar Nana
12. The life of perpetual anxiety
13. Christy-Ellen: General ramblings
14. Mental parent
15. The Mental Health Writers Guild (I know this is Kevin's blog and he nominated be so it might be weird that I nominate him back. But since I found his blog I've always thought it was extremely inspiring to readers in general but also to other bloggers in particular. And that's why I felt like this blog couldn't be missing from my list)
    
    
    
    

    

Side effects of medication

A lot of meds have side effects. This is especially the case with meds for mental health issues. Every person is different so meds will affect people in different ways, and everyone is different. Some may not experience any side effects at all whilst others may find the effects to be too bad for them to continue taking the medication. What works for someone may not work for you and vice versa.

Something that a lot of psychiatrists recommend is: do not read the side effects listed in the prospect. The prospects have the obligation to list every single side effect that people have reported whilst taking those drugs even if it was just one person. So it is not an accurate depiction of what you may experience. A lot of anti-anxiety meds have numerous side effects listed and reading them could increase your anxiety instead of reducing it which is what you were given the meds to begin with. So it might be better avoiding to read those if your doctors tell you so.

Some meds will require you to get medical tests and analysis every X amount of time. Make sure you go to the doctor every time you have to and that you complete all these tests so that your psychiatrist can decide whether or not you should continue with the medication. This is very important so make sure you do it and you take the results to the psychiatrist for them to determine what's best. Lithium, for instance, requires that you get your blood tested more or less every month (at the beginning of taking it) to make sure that the lithium levels in your blood are alright. If they weren't, your doctor would recommend another drug for you to take instead of continuing with the same one.

Side effects can vary between almost non-perceptible things to very noticeable ones. If you notice a side effect, as mild as you think it is, there's no harm in mentioning it to your psychiatrist for them to consider whether it is normal and what to do.

I mentioned this on Twitter the other day and people responded by reporting some of their side effects. Shaking seems to be a common one but it ranged from that to not being able to speak. The latter one is obviously a very serious one so if you experience it you should let your psychiatrist know as soon as possible.

My hands are very shaky with lithium and that is especially the case when I get anxious. The first two months applying mascara and eating soup proved to be extremely challenging. If you experience something like that or any other side effect, do not panic, but do let your psychiatrist know. In my case, for example, my psychiatrist determined that it was a normal side effect and that it wasn't so important for me to change meds.

However, I remember when I used to take topamax, I had very vivid nightmares where I woke up not knowing whether or not it had been real. That began affecting my sleeping pattern since I didn't want to go to sleep at night since I was afraid of the nightmares. And that led to lack of sleep. Sleep is extremely important for everyone but especially if you're dealing with a mental health issue. My psychiatrist put me off topamax and replaced it with something else.

My problem with nightmares may not have seemed a relevant one but that's why it's best to mention all side effects to your psychiatrist so they can decide what is best. They will probably ask you what you think and whether you find such side effect too incapacitating to continue taking the meds. So please do tell them about any and every side effect you experience.

If you're taking any of the meds that I mention do not think that you will experience the same side effects, they may work perfectly fine for you and you may not experience any side effect at all. As I said, we are all different. So please don't take this as a reference of the side effects of these drugs. Even though meds may have side effects I think that it is extremely important to take them if your psychiatrist has recommended you do. I can say that meds have helped me.

PS: I wanted a nice image for this blog post but I considered most of the ones I found triggering. So I decided to make it myself and this was the best I could do.

Gaining weight after an eating disorder

I'm not referring to the period when you're being re-nourished because you are underweight because of an eating disorder (there will be a post about it at some point). This post is about gaining weight once you're technically recovered from an eating disorder.

I tend to think that it is nearly impossible to ever get rid of an eating disorder. You may have healthy eating habits and at some points maybe not even worrying about your weight. 

I tend to see it this way: the eating disorder is a little voice in your head that tells you mean things and how to eat and to adopt unhealthy lifestyles. When you recover you don't eliminate this voice, you simply learn to ignore it until you even forget it's there. However, on your bad days that voice may sound louder than other times and you may find yourself worrying about your body image and not knowing why.

One of the most basic things that they tell you when recovering from an eating disorder is: stop worrying about your weight and in order to do that stop weighting yourself. This obviously depends on the individual and once recovered some are able to see their weight and not be affected by it. I, for example, am not one of those people. I know whenever I know how much weight I'll be affected by it. If I'm told by the doctor that I have lost weight I'll be extremely happy. I pretend that I don't feel anything about it because I'm technically 'underweight' even though this has been my healthy BMI all my life.

When my psychiatrist told me last week that I had gained 2kg I got very upset. Yesterday I had a bad day and I was obsessed with it for the whole day. I was having a bad day and the thought that I had gained weight took control of my mind.

My therapist once told me that when I focus too much on my body image it's because I'm trying to look away from what the real problem is. Focusing on food or body image can be a way to escape another problem. And as long as we don't fight that we can't focus on what the real issues behind it are.

Seeing this with a perspective it is a lot easier to get to these conclusions. However I am well aware that on bad days it is extremely hard to take a step back and realize that we might be giving too much importance to something that doesn't really have it. We need to try and remember that our weight is not as important as we think it is, and try to take away the power that our eating disorder has over us. As long as we have a healthy lifestyle there's no reason to worry about our weight (you can check this with your therapy to see if you're doing it right).

If you start having negative thoughts about your body image or weight definitely let your therapist know.

My first VLOG! (mental health at school or uni)

Here is my first VLOG ever. In it, I give advice on having mental health issues at school or university from my own experience. It complements the post on Being at school or university with depression and anxiety, giving some new tips. Make sure to check out the blog post for other information as well.

So.... here it goes!

A poem about BPD

This is a poem that I wrote last October, based on how I was feeling and that yesterday I decided to share on tumblr. I hope that it isn't triggering even though it has references to self-harm and suicidal thoughts. If you are feeling suicidal please check the section 'Need urgent help?' and make sure you get the appropriate help.

I must say things have got better since.

She had her monsters, she knew them well

They were called anger, pain and despair

Most people knew them but in her case

She couldn't tell them to go away

So she buried them deep

Where no one would find them

And she laughed for a year

Thinking she'd left them behind her

So when she opened a door and they all just snook through

She just didn't know what she was going to do

They said she felt too deeply

She said she felt nothing at all

They said she had to be in control

She said she was just empty

It was either everything or nothing at all

Nothing in between, no halfway to go

She cut her skin, they fed her pills

Trying to get the monsters to let go

She thought there was no way out

The emptiness inside made it easy for the monsters to control her

And there she was after a blackout

The white walls of the hospital all way too bright around her

They called it BPD

You just feel way too deeply

You can't control your feelings

Depression, anxiety

“How long will it be?”

“I don't want them here

I want them to go

I don't want this emptiness

being in control”

There are monsters in my head that want me dead

And I'm afraid they will succeed, you see

And I'm scared people will realize

That I don't know what's in my mind half of the time

I guess there's something beautiful out there

So I am glad that I'm still here

But just don't let go of my hand

I'm scared I'll drown with so much air

How can they breathe so easily?

How can they smile so brightly?

How are their eyes so troubleless?

What, are their minds not behind them?

So why me? Here, have another pill, maybe it'll calm you down

Against your sadness, against your impulsivity

It'll make you happier

It'll make you calmer

It'll make you sleepy

It'll make you easier to handle

Don't read the secondary effects, you'll get scared

No one wants that, you're already scared enough

Why do they care so much?

Why do they care at all?

When will it be time to be a beautiful beloved corpse?

She cuts her skin, they feed her pills

When she cuts deeper increase the dose

And if suicide ever invades your thoughts

You didn't get a damn thing, kid

Things will get better, it will improve

They say “you see? There's a bright future ahead of you”

But she's screaming silently, emptiness fills her eyes

It's too late for me, I am dead inside

Misconceptions about self harm

As with many other issues related to mental health, there are a lot of misconceptions about self harm. There is a lot of stigma around self harm and unfortunately this means that people are unlikely to talk about it and therefore misconceptions are perpetuated. This post aims to shed some light on self harm and to bring down some common myths around it.

I am NOT trying to promote self-harm and I strongly encourage anyone who has considered it to not do it, and anyone who self harms to seek help. 

If you know someone who self harms, I hope this post helps you understand it better and not judge them. Offer them your help, not your judgment. Self harm is a very serious issue.

·"People who self-harm are trying to kill themselves" 

Self harm doesn't equal attempted suicide. Most people who self harm are not trying to kill themselved but instead use self harm as a coping mechanism

·"People who self harm are suicidal" 

This is not always true. It may be in some cases but a lot of those who self harm don't have any sort of suicidal ideation in mind. They could be self harming for a lot of different reasons and you should be concerned. If they are self harming they're probably having mental health problems and could be dealing with depression, anxiety or some other issues. Even if they are not currently suicidal, if they don't get help, the problem leading to self harm could get worse and the shame and guilt that usually accompany self harm could make the situation worse, potentially making them have suicidal thoughts in the future

·"People who self harm are trying to get attention" 

Most people who self harm actually hide their wounds and don't show them to anyone. If a person recurs to self harm for whatever reason, they should get help and you shouldn't try to judge or analyse their motives.

·"You don't have to worry about someone's self harm unless it's serious injuries" 

You have to worry about someone's self harm no matter how serious, deep or shallow their injuries are. If they are self harming they need help. Of course, if the injuries are more serious there is a risk of parasuicide, the person could accidentally die even if it's not their intention from the seriousness of the wounds. However, someone whose injuries seem less serious could potentially have more suicidal thoughts than people whose self harm is deeper. There are many different reasons why someone would choose to inflict less serious wounds but that doesn't mean that the problem is less serious.

·"Self harm = cutting" 

There are many more ways in which someone can harm themselves and they are all equally serious. I'm not going to name any so that I don't give any ideas to people who self harm but anything that someone does to their body with the intention of harming themselves can be considered self harm.

·"Scratching doesn't count as self harm" 

Look at my previous point. Scratching can be self harm and does not have to be overlooked.

·"Showing your scars means that you're seeking attention" 

I'm sorry but no. I'll post something about this in the future but showing your scars doesn't mean that you want attention. Not even showing your wounds has to mean this. But with scars there's not even controversy around it. You should feel comfortable in your own body and if you do have scars and you show them, that means courage, that means that you're getting comfortable with your body as it is. Do not be ashamed of your scars. And do not shame people about their scars. Scars, even if they're not self-inflicted can be a tough thing to get used to showing. Feel comfortable in your own skin.

·"You can stop self harming any time you want" 

Unfortunately this is completely false. Yes, you can take steps towards stopping your self harm and I'm not saying that you'll never be able to stop: you will. But it's not an easy thing to do. There is a physical and a psychological explanation for this. The physical one is that pain and pleasure are separated by a very thin line. By self harming you release endorphins and your brain actually becomes addicted to this. The psychological reason is that if you're feeling bad for some reason and you recur to self  harm and it makes you feel better (for whatever reason) and you have trouble dealing with those problematic feelings, then when you feel them again you know that self harm once made you feel better and you'll recur to it more easily. What starts being whenever something huge happens ends up becoming your go-to mechanism any time you're not feeling particularly well. That's why quitting self harm is so difficult.Relapses are normal in the process to recovery and you mustn't let them bring your hopes down. It is possible to stop self harming.

·"People who self harm are just emo/flaunting their cuts"

Let's stop right there. Flaunting their cuts? I have indeed met some people who were proud of their wounds and would show them around as if it were something to be proud of, and I've always felt a certain disgust towards this behavior. I personally was extremely ashamed of my self harm that I was always particularly careful to hide it. Like me, so many people hide their wounds. There are so many people ashamed, embarrassed who won't show their wounds. A lot more than of those who show them.

·"People self harm because they want to" 

Riiiiiight. Not really. I mean, you're sort of right but not really. Because of what I have explained earlier about it becoming sort of addictive, a lot of the times people don't really want to stop self harming because it actually makes them feel better so they think: why stop? I keep seeing it as a drug. A drug user might want to stop doing drugs but then again a part of themselves might not really want to. I don't know anyone who likes to self harm. Most people experience feelings of shame, self-hatred, embarrassment or guilt after self harming. However a part of them doesn't want to stop doing the only thing they have found so far that helps them feel better. That's why it is so important to get professional help. Don't try to deal with someone's self harm all by yourself. They need help and they need treatment.

Update on my life (and its morals)

Well this is sort of embarrassing... I've spent too long without posting here. A month? Oh dear. I must apologize by saying that this last month has been extremely busy and full of great (and not so great) stuff. I have also been absent from all social networks and I am extremely sorry for that, I won't let it happen again.

I've finally decided that I'm going to start vlogging. Some great vloggers have encouraged me to do it and I've been wanting to for a long time.

I was meant to go back to university this January but things turned out a bit differently. Going back to university was causing me a lot of stress. Every time I had visited my uni town last semester (from September 2014) I had had suicidal thoughts and a lot of impulsivity partly brought in by the anxiety that being there caused me (and I was only visiting!).

The week before I left to theoretically move back to my uni town, my anxiety was so extreme that I had physical pains in my chest, and especially my stomach. I wasn't hungry, I could barely eat, I was even sick repeatedly during a whole afternoon when I simply thought about going back.

So I didn't move back. I'm still living home. I only visited to sort out everything that had to do with university and to make possible for me to finish my degree from home. I felt like a failure because I was not going to be able to move back there, but at the same time thinking about it now... Maybe I wasn't ready. I didn't have classes so I would have had a very unstructured day. And this way I can still go to therapy and start to leave the day centre little by little.

I am finishing my degree this year, I'll simply be doing it from home.

What can be concluded from this?

· Things don't always turn out the way you want them to. But it's okay, you need to adapt and maybe even look at things in a different way.

· Maybe you are setting your expectations too high. And if you fail to accomplish something you had set your mind into, it doesn't mean that you're a failure. Maybe you've just set your bar too high. Reconsider this.

· Progress happens slowly. Don't get frustrated if you feel like you feel like you're not getting better fast enough. You're not going to get better in one day, progress happens at its own pace and it's different for everyone. Things will get better.

· Let your university know about your mental health situation. I can't say this enough. I was scared since my first year to tell my university about my mental health, but I am so glad that I finally did last year. Not only did they help me giving me a leave of absence, but going back now has been made really easy for me too. The teachers have agreed to have skype sessions with me instead of face-to-face ones, and they have all made it very comfortable and easy for me. You may be going through unnecessary difficulties added to your already difficult situation, and just telling your university might help you in ways that you never thought of!

I'll start posting weekly (hopefully more than once a week) from this week again. I hope you found this post useful and helpful!

Why I'm thankful I lived 2014 and my suicide attempt a year ago failed

This post could be triggering (I have tried my best for it not to be), but still.

If you have suicidal thoughts or ideation, please seek urgent help.

Most of you who use Facebook have probably been given the offer to 'see this year' according to Facebook. Well, so have I. And guess what? There were very few pictures, I think it's the year there have been the fewest pictures since I opened my account. Why was that? One could think this was a year not worth remembering, maybe I think that as well some times. But that is very far from the truth. This year was not the best year of my life. The worst moments and days of my life have taken place in 2014. And still, I am thankful that I got the chance to live this 2014. That may sound extremely dramatic, but you may not find it so much so when I tell you that exactly a year ago, on the early hours of the 1^st of January 2014, I attempted suicide.

Things had been getting ugly for a long time for me. My depression had come back and it seemed to be here to stay. I was experiencing panic attacks, dissociative episodes, extreme mood swings, I was in the midst of a dependance relationship with my boyfriend back then and I had had suicidal thoughts and ideation for months. I thought that I was losing my mind. I found it impossible to concentrate and had required extensions for my work at university for the first time in my life. I had resorted to parties, sex, food restriction, alcohol and drugs and mild self-harm to keep my feelings at bay, to 'control' my feelings and keep them from spinning out of control. But the truth is that by the end of 2013 not only was I on antidepressants, I was unable to sleep on a room by myself with the lights off unless I had taken a sleeping pill, and I found the idea of fun without alcohol absolutely absurd.

I saw myself as being on the 'peak' of my life and I thought I was going crazy and knew that everything was going to go downhill because I couldn't keep the pace I was on. I thought I was going to break down and that everyone I loved would leave me.

Well, guess what? No one left me when things got as ugly as they did. And I am glad that I was here to see that.

Yes, I lost a couple of friends who didn't understand the extent of my mental health issues and claimed that I was just being lazy and an attention whore. But those people were never worth it in the first place.

But all the others, all the ones who mattered, stayed by me. Even people I did not consider so close, people I never thought would be there in ugly times, showed up to show their support.

This past year has not been the best year of my life. It started with me attempting suicide. As a consequence, I was requested by my therapist and my parents to leave university, my house, my job, my friends and boyfriend, the country where I was studying, to go back home to live with my parents. The first months of 2014 are but a blur in my mind.

But this 2014 I finally got diagnosed with BPD (after having recurring episodes of depression since I was 11 and needing a therapist a few times for an eating disorder, depressive episodes and self-harm since I was 16). I was sent to a day centre to which I attended every day and learnt DBT and other skills to deal with my illness and my life.

I ended up 2013 wishing to end my life, and as 2014 ends, I have hope again, and I want to live my life and find out where all of this is going.

In January I will be moving back to university to finish my degree.

This year has been very hard, but it has been filled with great surprises, great people, great lessons.

I am thankful that I got to live this 2014 and I am looking forward to 2015.

I remember at the beginning of last year I thought I was never going to feel better, but now I do. Things have improved so much and they will keep improving.

Recovery is not an easy process. I am on medication, I am still in therapy. But I'm getting better and I certainly am much better than I used to be.

So if you are struggling, remember that things do get better (and I am the living example of it - and I'm glad to be!). Please hold on. You are important.

Alcohol in the holidays - Surviving the holidays

The Christmas holidays are a time when it is even more socially acceptable and encouraged to drink alcohol. May it be wine, champagne or any other alcohol, it seems like it is not only acceptable but almost expected that we drink. At Christmas dinner, New Year's Eve... it's very usual to see people toasting with alcohol. So how can you avoid alcohol in the holidays?

For whatever reason, you may not want to drink or even not be able to. Maybe you're on medication, or drinking then encourages you to pursue other impulsive behaviour... (or you may just not want to). Whatever it is, this time of the year seems like the time when we need to reject alcohol the most.

Your family and friends may or may not know but other people may still offer you drinks. 

If you are concerned about people insisting during the Christmas dinner or another specific even, you may want to look for an ally. In my case it will be my mother. She knows I can't drink alcohol. So if my family keeps insisting on me drinking (which they usually do), she will help me. Some of you may not have an issue saying no as many times as you have to, but for others it may be stressful (or you may even actually want alcohol, but you just really shouldn't - I include myself in this category).

So if you can plan ahead for specific events and find someone who will help you, at least that would partly lower the stress. 

At the same time, you can ask a parent to tell to the rest of the family to not offer you alcohol at all beforehand, if you are very stressed about this it can be a good option!

Here you can find more ways to avoid alcohol in social situations.

Surviving the holidays - Spending the holiday with family

This is the first post in a series of posts about how to 'survive' these holidays.

Even though the holidays are meant to be a happy time to spend with our loved ones, many of us find them challenging as well. It can bring anxiety and other unwanted emotions, so these blogposts are to ensure that your holidays can pass as smoothly as possible!

This post will be about: 

Spending the holiday with family

Your family may or may not know about your mental health issues. A lot of us spend the holidays with our families, and there are some members of our family that we see less often than others. So questions regarding you, your current situation and possibly your mental health could be asked.

One of the main things that I recommend is to think about it before. If someone asks you what you're currently doing or if something is wrong, you could easily go blank from anxiety and not know what to reply. So something that I have found helpful is to prepare beforehand what you are going to say to people.

You may want to check out the post of 'What to say if you're not ready to tell people', since it contains advice on what to say if you're not ready to talk about your mental health.

Once you know more or less what you want to tell people, it will be a lot easier when they ask you since you will be prepared.

If your family tends to worry about you and you don't want all the attention focused on you (and think that this may be an issue), you can also think beforehand about some topics of conversation to try to change the subject and redirect the conversation towards something else.

The purpose of this series of post is to make them short and easy to read to be as helpful as possible. I will be posting them at least twice a week, so make sure to keep an eye out!

Mental health in books

As you may (or may not) know, I love reading and it is one of my distractions from depression.

I find the subject of how mental health is treated in books very interesting and lately I have felt drawn to books containing characters struggling with mental health issues. In those books, the mental health issue may not be the main subject, but it is present. I think that the way something is represented in books (and films, and the media) is very important as it is one of the first points of contact for some people with mental health issues.

I think that it is important that there is something more to the character other than their mental health since characters (just like real people) need to be complex and mental health is not everything that there is to a person! This last point is very important in order to fight the stigma around mental health illnesses.

I have decided to start a section of this blog in which I will talk about books containing characters who struggle with mental health issues and debate a little how it is addressed. (This will also satisfy the need I have always had to have a book blog).

For now in this post I will mention the latest books that I have read which have characters struggling with mental health issues. I will simply post the synopsis and then I'll write about them in more depth once a week (I'm feeling it for Thursdays).

Make sure to add me as a friend in Goodreads!
I'd love for you to recommend me more books!

Kacey Cleary’s whole life imploded four years ago in a drunk-driving accident. Now she’s working hard to bury the pieces left behind—all but one. Her little sister, Livie. Kacey can swallow the constant disapproval from her born-again aunt Darla over her self-destructive lifestyle; she can stop herself from going kick-boxer crazy on Uncle Raymond when he loses the girls’ college funds at a blackjack table. She just needs to keep it together until Livie is no longer a minor, and then they can get the hell out of Grand Rapids, Michigan.

 But when Uncle Raymond slides into bed next to Livie one night, Kacey decides it’s time to run. Armed with two bus tickets and dreams of living near the coast, Kacey and Livie start their new lives in a Miami apartment complex, complete with a grumpy landlord, a pervert upstairs, and a neighbor with a stage name perfectly matched to her chosen “profession.” But Kacey’s not worried. She can handle all of them. What she can’t handle is Trent Emerson in apartment 1D.

 Kacey doesn’t want to feel. She doesn’t. It’s safer that way. For everyone. But sexy Trent finds a way into her numb heart, reigniting her ability to love again. She starts to believe that maybe she can leave the past where it belongs and start over. Maybe she’s not beyond repair.

 But Kacey isn’t the only one who’s broken. Seemingly perfect Trent has an unforgiveable past of his own; one that, when discovered, will shatter Kacey’s newly constructed life and send her back into suffocating darkness.

Sometimes discovering the truth can leave you more hopeless than believing the lies…

That’s what seventeen-year-old Sky realizes after she meets Dean Holder. A guy with a reputation that rivals her own and an uncanny ability to invoke feelings in her she’s never had before. He terrifies her and captivates her all in the span of just one encounter, and something about the way he makes her feel sparks buried memories from a past that she wishes could just stay buried.

Sky struggles to keep him at a distance knowing he’s nothing but trouble, but Holder insists on learning everything about her. After finally caving to his unwavering pursuit, Sky soon finds that Holder isn’t at all who he’s been claiming to be. When the secrets he’s been keeping are finally revealed, every single facet of Sky’s life will change forever.

Penny has a secret.

Under the alias GirlOnline, she blogs about school dramas, boys, her mad, whirlwind family - and the panic attacks she's suffered from lately. When things go from bad to worse, her family whisks her away to New York, where she meets the gorgeous, guitar-strumming Noah. Suddenly Penny is falling in love - and capturing every moment of it on her blog.

But Noah has a secret too. One that threatens to ruin Penny's cover - and her closest friendship - forever.

There are so many more, I thought I'd only share a few for now in order to not overwhelm you but I will keep talking about them. And on Thursday I'll post about one of them!

Before Thursday there will be another (normal) blog post so make sure you keep an eye out!

You're not a bad person

Hi everyone! Right, so I'm going to try to post twice a week from now on. I've been having a bit of a hard time as some of you may know but things are slowly calming down. Please feel free to send me a message or contact me through any of the social media if you're also going through a tough time and want to talk (or if you just want to talk!).

I wanted to talk about this because I know a lot of people who struggle with many different mental illnesses, from depression to BPD and many others, have these sort of thoughts. I know I do. It is the idea that our thoughts and the content of them define whether we are a good person or not. So I wanted to raise this topic as food for thought (very appropriate phrase in this case).

We all have thoughts of every sort and feelings of every sort. And we need to stop categorising feelings and thoughts into either 'good' or 'bad'.

There are not good or bad feelings, they are just feelings – they may be more or less welcomed or more or less positive.

Thoughts may have a more or less positive nature but they should not be labeled as good or bad since they are simply thoughts.

In many mental illnesses  you can sometimes feel as if what you are thinking defines what you are. So if you have thoughts related to for example wishing something bad for a person you may feel as if that makes you a bad person for thinking that sort of stuff. Whereas the truth is everyone has those thoughts, but they just may not give them much importance.

I remember during my grandmother's last year of life, she was a very manipulative person (and had always been). We were all concerned about her and went visit her and just ignored it when she said mean things. But I remember at times thinking that she didn't deserve everyone visiting her because she had done horrible things (which she had). But then I felt as a bad person for thinking those things. I'm sure my mother and my uncles all thought the same thing at times. But the difference was that I gave power to this thought, I gave it power by thinking that it defined me, that it defined who I was. But it doesn't.

In BPD this sort of thinking might be exacerbated because of the white/black thinking and the tendency we have to categorize things as either good or bad.

I have heard people struggling with depression claiming that they are bad people because they have very 'bad thoughts'. But these thoughts don't make you the person that you are. It is your actions that define you, not your thoughts.

It's either perfect or not worth it

So, here I am, I am back. I'm sorry for all the time that I have been away. I stopped because I was feeling down and then never saw the time to come back, or what with. I wanted to come back with something great making the wait worth it and because I never felt like a topic was perfect enough, so I stayed gone.

But then I've realized that this sort of thought is very common for perfectionist people and affects in a very harmful way people suffering mental health issues such as eating disorders, BPD or even depression to name a few. 

So I thought: why not talk about it?

I am and always have been a perfectionist. I want the things I do to be perfect. And even though some may say that it's a good trait, there is a very fine line and it can very easily become something harmful for you that takes control of your life.

"If it's not perfect, why would I even bother?" is a very common thought amongst perfectionists. If something is not going the way you want, or you don't feel like you might be able to do it well, you may simply just give up on it.

Let's see a few examples:

· I start painting and it's something I have invested a lot of time on but then the painting is not going as well as I expected. When I realize that it's not looking the way I want it to, I just stop painting that instead of trying to fix it and maybe even give up painting altogether even thought it was something that I enjoyed doing.

· In eating disorders there is a very common example:  I am restricting on eating biscuits. Then one day I can't help the urge and I open the biscuit bag and eat one. I may think "Since I have already broken my rule, I may just as well eat the whole pack". And many times that sort of thought is what drives people into binge eating.

We need to challenge that sort of thought. We need to realize that not everything has to always be perfect. First of all, wanting things to always be perfect will lead us to unhappiness since we will never consider something to be perfect enough. So we have to accept things as they are and see the beauty in them.

If you enjoy something but feel like you're not good enough: don't quit. Keep on trying, no one was an expert at the beginning. And even if you don't get to be great at it, if you enjoy doing it you should keep up with it.

This sort of thinking is what drives many people into quitting school, university, a job, a hobby, maybe even relationships.

I'm not saying you should settle down for less than what you want in life. But I am saying that maybe you should reconsider whether what you want is realistic. Also, you should enjoy the things that you have and that you achieve and not quit things that you like because you feel like you're not doing them well enough. Who judges whether we are good enough anyway? No one's opinion matters except ourselves when it comes to that. We shouldn't be so hyper critic of ourselves. 

Let yourself enjoy life and things even when they're not perfect!

Borderline personality disorder and mood swings

Have you ever been on a roller coaster? That's pretty much how a person with BPD feels most of the time. I mean... not literally.

Okay, let me explain myself. When you suffer BPD, one of its main characteristics is the mood swings.

You may feel happy right now. And then something may happen, something that may be a little upsetting but that other people wouldn't consider 'a big deal', and BAM! suddenly you're sad, you feel like nothing is worth it or even suicidal. What happened? That little event, or there wasn't that little event. Any small trigger or small events can make your mood go from 0 to 10. The same way, someone may tell you that you were late and suddenly you're rage is so high that you feel like screaming at that person or even getting physically violent (or so mad that you feel like interiorising the pain with yourself).

Right, right. I'm not saying that ANYTHING would trigger a BPD person's emotions. But BPD is also referred to as an mood instability disorder, and that's because people who suffer it have a lot of trouble keeping their emotions in line and controlling them. Their feelings generally surpass them.

It doesn't mean that if they feel mad they will automatically get violent, do not get me wrong. But if something makes them mad, it will probably infuriate them. If something hurts them, it may make them sink so down that they may feel hopeless.

These feelings may not last longer than hours, because something else will probably happen and their mood will swing towards something else.

In the same day you can go from feeling happy, to feeling absolutely hopeless, fury and rage and then happy again. I remember when I was 18 it was when I became really self-conscious of these mood-swings and how brutal they were. Maybe one day I was feeling suicidal and then a few hours later I was extremely happy and excited about many different things.

I remember telling my psychiatrist that I thought I was bipolar. I had never heard about borderline personality disorder at this point. And bipolar was what sounded the closest to what I felt. She immediately ruled it out when she asked me what was the longest I was depressed for and I said a day.

But interesting fact: Guess what? Many years ago they used to think that BPD was a milder form of bipolar disorder.

One of the main issues with this roller coaster is that: you are very unstable and therefore as a consequence so are your relationships with people. Besides idealization and devaluation, this emotional instability is one of the major reasons why BPD people have such a hard time building long-lasting stable friendships and romantic relationships. A later post will talk about this more in detail.

But it is possible to become more stable. In my case, medication has helped me get my emotions more stable. I never thought that I'd aspire to be 'stable', but since last year that's all I want to be. Lately my emotions have been all over the place so I guess I need to visit the psychiatrist...

If you are worried about your mood swings, visit a therapist.

Eating disorders misconceptions

To make up for my absence, here is another post!

This post intends to be informative, but it's also a bit of a rant about how mad ignorance about eating disorders make me. So forgive me when I start to rant, but do read it since you may find it interesting!

It is no secret that there are a lot of misconceptions about mental health in general.

Eating disorders are one of the most recognized mental health issues in today's society. And still there are so many misconceptions about it that it seems hard to believe.

Eating disorders can come in all shapes and sizes (and gender!).

Even though eating disorders are generally associated with girls, it is wrong to assume that it's only girls who suffer from EDs, since although. We can't ignore all the guys who are going through an eating disorder. There is more stigma for boys and it is less recognized, it may be harder for them to admit it and come forward about it.

It pisses me off a lot when people assume that in order to have an eating disorder (and for it to be serious) you have to be a certain size. It's like: Hello? Is someone even paying attention?

Yes, of course being VERY skinny is very dangerous. But someone can be any size, any weight and have an eating disorder that's threatening their life.

The center I am at is both for people with personality disorders and/or eating disorders. When I tell my dad that there is a new patient, he always asks me “Oh, is she very skinny? Or very fat?” And I just feel so frustrated that I feel the urge to start breaking things. Because no matter how many times I explain it to him, he keeps thinking like that.

I remember when a friend of mine finally decided to speak up about the eating disorder she'd been suffering for years. She went to counseling once and she never went again. The counsellor gave her few options and told her that “Anyway, you can tell that your ED is not too bad”. Where the hell did that counsellor get his license for counseling if that is even a thing? And if it's not, then it should be. Because you can't go around saying that sort of things to people.

That is what people with EDs think, sometimes when they start to realize that they have a problem, they think “I'm not skinny enough to have an ED”. I know that's what I thought.

But eating disorders is not just anorexia, there is bulimia, and there is EDNOS. And there are subcategories.

Also eating disorders aren't simply about food, which they obviously are. They are also about someone's self-esteem. Depression is inevitably linked to EDs. So it is frustrating (and a bit infuriating) when someone thinks that people who suffer from eating disorders are being vain. An eating disorder is mainly a mental health issue - which has an effect on a person's appearance. But it's definitely not simply about one's image.

I know there are many more misconceptions, but these are the main ones that I wanted to talk about today. So I will very probably be doing another post about this sometime in the future. 

Are there any other misconceptions about eating disorders that especially frustrate you?